"No, this one is," and I reach over and push her medicine toward her. I cannot grab it with my fingers. She takes it and looks at the pills. I can tell by the way she is looking at them that she has no idea what they are for. I use both hands to pick up my cup and dump the pills into my mouth. She does the same. There is no fight today. That makes it easy. I raise my cup in a mock toast and wash the gritty flavor from my mouth with my tea. It is getting colder. She swallows on faith and washes them down with more water.
"I know." I nod, rocking my head softly.
And, my darling, you will always be mine.
Do my words refuse to glisten and rustle for you.
She was famous, of course. One of the best southern painters of the twentieth century, some said, and I was, and am, proud of her.
After they left, I rocked in silence, thinking back on our life together. You are always here with me when I do so, at least in my heart, and it is impossible for me to remember a time when you were not a part of me. I do not know who I would have become had you never come back to me that day, but I have no doubt that I would have lived and died with regrets that thankfully Ill never know.
And I read, to let them know who I am.
She studies my face. Her eyes are as green as ocean waves.
She wipes at her tears and says, "Help me, Duke, help me remember who I am. Or at least, who I was. I feel so lost."
Not till the waters refuse to glisten for you and the leaves to rustle for you,
If she could, my wife would accompany me on my evening excursions, for one of her many loves was poetry. Thomas, Whitman, Eliot, Shakespeare, and King David of the Psalms. Lovers of words, makers of language.
I have not seen him for fifty years and he is now but a shadow in my thoughts. I cannot picture him clearly anymore; his face is darkened as if a light shines from behind him. I am not sure if this is due to a failing memory or simply the passage of time. I have only one picture of him, and this too has faded. In another ten years it will be gone and so will I, and his memory will be erased like a message in the sand. If not for my diaries, I would swear I had lived only half as long as I have.
The story ends there, so I close the notebook, remove my glasses, and wipe my eyes. They are tired and bloodshot, but they have not failed me so far. They will soon, I am sure. Neither they nor I can go on forever. I look to her now that I have finished, but she does not look back. Instead she is staring out the window at the courtyard, where friends and family meet.
I smile and nod. She smiles back. She reaches for my hand, takes it gently, and pulls it to her waist. She stares at the hardened knots that deform my fingers and caresses them gently. Her hands are still those of an angel.
I read it sometimes when I am in the mood, and when I do, I am reminded of Allie on cold winter evenings, seated by a roaring fire with a glass of wine at her side, reading the letters I had written to her over the years. She kept them, these letters, and now I keep them, for she made me promise to do so. She said I would know what to do with them. She was right; I find I enjoy reading bits and pieces of them just as she used to. They intrigue me, these letters, for when I sift through them I realize that romance and passion are possible at any age. I see Allie now and know Ive never loved her more, but as I read the letters, I come to understand that I have always felt the same way.
My eyes follow hers, and we watch it together. In all these years the daily pattern has not changed. Every morning, an hour after breakfast, they begin to arrive. Young adults, alone or with family, come to visit those who live here. They bring photographs and gifts and either sit on the benches or stroll along the tree-lined paths designed to give a sense of nature. Some will stay for the day, but most leave after a few hours, and when they do, I always feel sadness for those theyve left behind. I wonder sometimes what my friends think as they see their loved ones driving off, but I know its not my business. And I do not ever ask them because Ive learned that were all entitled to have our secrets. But soon, I will tell you some of mine.
We rocked to and fro, and Allie, my dream, my timeless beauty, told me she was sorry.
My dearest Allie, The porch is silent except for the sounds that float from the shadows, and for once I am at a loss for words. It is a strange experience for me, for when I think of you and the life we have shared, there is much to remember. A lifetime of memories. But to put it into words? I do not know if I am able. I am not a poet, and yet a poem is needed to fully express the way I feel about you.
When I see you, my darling, in the morning before showers or in your studio covered with paint with hair matted and tired eyes, I know that you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
She blushes. It makes me feel young again.
She does not respond directly. Instead she stares at me for a long while, until our breathing coincides. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Deep breaths. I wonder if she knows I think shes beautiful.
Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost, No birth, identity, form - no object of the world, Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;...
"Its hard, though."
For the next four hours, each of them told me how much we, the two of us, had meant to them growing up. One by one, they told stories about things I had long since forgotten.
She was right to do this, of course. There is no way I could have made it alone, for sickness has come to us, both of us. We are in the final minutes in the day of our lives, and the clock is ticking. Loudly. I wonder if I am the only one who can hear it.
No drowning man can know which drop of water his last breath did stop;...
Long periods of my life seem to have vanished. And even now I read the passages and wonder who I was when I wrote them, for I cannot remember the events of my life. There are times I sit and wonder where it all has gone.
Our lives cant be measured by our final years, of this I am sure, and I guess I should have known what lay ahead in our lives.Looking back, I suppose it seems obvious, but at first I thought her confusion understandable and not unique. She would forget where she placed her keys, but who has not done that? She would forget a neighbors name, but not someone we knew well or with whom we socialized. Sometimes she would write the wrong year when she made out her checks, but again I dismissed it as simple mistakes that one makes when thinking of other things. It was not until the more obvious events occurred that I began to suspect the worst.
I called Jeff and David into the kitchen, for they were here as well, and when the children were ready, I told them about us and how you came back to me so long ago.
A throbbing pain courses through my fingers, and it reminds me that we have not held hands with fingers interlocked since we moved here. I am sad about this, but it is my fault, not hers. It is arthritis in the worst form, rheumatoid 风湿症and advanced. My hands are misshapen and grotesque now, and they throb during most of my waking hours. I look at them and want them gone, amputated, but then I would not be able to do the little things I must do. So I use my claws, as I call them sometimes, and every day I take her hands despite the pain, and I do my best to hold them because that is what she wants me to do.
I know you cared for him. And his reaction proves to me he cared for you as well.
I remember only bits and pieces of Dr. Barnwells continuing explanation.
"That was a beautiful story."
Looking back, I am surprised by my passion for it, and sometimes I even regret it now. Poetry brings great beauty to life, but also great sadness, and Im not sure its a fair exchange for someone my age. A man should enjoy other things if he can; he should spend his final days in the sun. Mine will be spent by a reading lamp.
"Who are you?"
I stop for a moment and catch my breath. Then, "Hannah, there is no reason to feel lost, for:
"Take your time," I say. I know what she will ask.
Sometimes I tell them. I might tell them of her sweetness and her charm and describe how she taught me to see the world for the beautiful place it is. Or I tell them of our early years together and explain how we had all we needed when we held each other under starry southern skies. On special occasions I whisper of our adventures together, of art shows in New York and Paris or the rave (extremely positive review or critique) reviews from critics writing in languages I do not understand. Mostly, though, I smile and I tell them that she is the same, and they turn from me, for I know they do not want me to see their faces. It reminds them of their own mortality. So I sit with them and read to lessen their fears.
Im sorry...
"Did you write it?" she asks. Her voice is like a whisper, a light wind flowing though the leaves.
I put it aside, sifted through the stack, and found another, this from a cold evening thirty-nine years ago.
My memories of that day are gone, and in this my wife and I are the same.
I read an excerpt:
Everyone was sorry. My children were brokenhearted, my friends were scared for themselves.
Because our evenings are our own, I have been asked to visit the others. Usually I do, for I am the reader and I am needed, or so I am told. I walk the halls and choose where to go because I am too old to devote myself to a schedule, but deep down I always know who needs me. They are my friends, and when I push open their doors, I see rooms that look like mine, always semi-darkened, illuminated only by the lights of Wheel of Fortune (抓阄转轮television game show program) and Vannas teeth. The furniture is the same for everyone, and the TVs blare because no one can hear well anymore.
Unlike me, who struggled to write even the simplest of verses, my wife could create beauty as easily as the Lord created the earth. Her paintings are in museums around the world, but I have kept only two for myself. The first one she ever gave me and the last one. They hang in my room, and late at night I sit and stare and sometimes cry when I look at them. I dont know why.
A light rain begins to fall. Little drops tap gently on the window. I take her hand again. It is going to be a good day, a very good day. A magical day. I smile, I cant help it.
I wait. Her words will hurt me. They will tear a piece from my heart and leave a scar.
I wonder what my daddy would think of my life and what he would do if he were me.
"Is it a true story?" She sits up a little in her bed and takes another, drink. Her body is still strong. "I mean, did you know these people?"
My heart aches for her, and I wish for the thousandth time that there was something I could do.
"Whatever it is, Ill try to answer."
She thinks about what I have said for a moment. In the silence, I look toward the window and notice that the rain has stopped now. Sunlight is beginning to filter into her room.
When I see you now - moving slowly with new life growing inside you - I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how special this year has been. No man is more blessed than me, and I love you with all my heart.
"Would you stay with me a while?" she finally asks.
The body, sluggish, aged, cold - the embers left from earlier fires, ... shall duly flame again;"
A bird starts to sing outside the window, and we both turn our heads. We sit quietly for a while, enjoying something beautiful together. Then it is lost, and she sighs. "I have to ask you something else," she says.
I place the notebook and magnifier on the table beside me, feeling the ache in my bones as I do so, and I realize once again how cold my body is. Even reading in the morning sun does nothing to help it. This does not surprise me anymore, though, for my body makes its own rules these days.
I do my best to keep the tears away, sift through some more to clear my mind, and find the next from our twentieth anniversary, something much easier to think about:
No, he could not understand losing you, but how could he? Even as you explained that you had always loved me, and that it wouldnt be fair to him, he did not release your hand. I know he was hurt and angry, and tried for almost an hour to change your mind, but when you stood firm and said, "I cant go back with you, Im so sorry," he knew that your decision had been made. You said he simply nodded and the two of you sat together for a long time without speaking. I have always wondered what he was thinking as he sat with you, but Im sure it was the same way I felt only a few hours before. And when he finally walked you to your car, you said he told you that I was a lucky man. He behaved as a gentleman would, and I understood then why your choice was so hard.
Of our five children, four are still living, and though it is hard for them to visit, they come often, and for this I am thankful. But even when they arent here, they come alive in my mind every day, each of them, and they bring to mind the smiles and tears that come with raising a family. A dozen pictures line the walls of my room. They are my heritage, my contribution to the world. I am very proud. Sometimes I wonder what my wife thinks of them as she dreams, or if she thinks of them at all, or if she even dreams. There is so much about her I dont understand anymore.
I keep them simple now, since most of my days are the same. But tonight I think I will copy a poem that one of the nurses found for me and thought I would enjoy. It goes like this:
An iron in the freezer, clothes in the dishwasher, books in the oven. Other things, too. But the day I found her in the car three blocks away, crying over the steering wheel because she couldnt find her way home was the first day I was really frightened.
Finally she turns to me and looks into my eyes. She offers a gentle smile, the kind you share with a child, not a lover.
I shuffle toward her and sit in the chair beside her bed. My back aches when I sit. I must get a new cushion for this chair, I remind myself for the hundredth time.
She does not know what to think about this but does not question me further. Instead she begins to fidget. She is thinking of a way to ask me another question, though she isnt sure how to do it. Instead she chooses to put it off for a moment and reaches for one of the little paper cups. "Is this mine?"
It has been four years now. Since then we have made the best of it, if that is possible.
Some things never change.
"You are Hannah, a lover of life, a strength to those who shared in your friendships.
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower
"You are a dream, a creator of happiness, an artist who has touched a thousand souls.
And as the tears started to fall, the word came back to me again:... Alzheimers...
That part of the story has never left me, even after all this time. Even though I wasnt there, you described it to me only once, and I remember marveling at the strength you showed that day. I still cannot imagine what was going through your mind when you walked into the lobby and saw Lon, or how it must have felt to talk to him. You told me that the two of you left the inn and sat on a bench by the old Methodist church, and that he held your hand, even as you explained that you must stay.
I dont remember leaving the doctors office, and I dont remember driving home.
We spend each and every day together now, but our nights are spent alone. The doctors tell me that Im not allowed to see her after dark. I understand the reasons completely, and though I agree with them, I sometimes break the rules. Late at night when my mood is right, I will sneak from my room and go to hers and watch her while she sleeps.
And stole my heart away complete.
Of this she knows nothing. Ill come in and see her breathe and know that had it not been for her, I would never have married. And when I look at her face, a face I know better than my own, I know that I have meant as much or more to her. And that means more to me than I could ever hope to explain.
They went on, this correspondence of life and love, and I read dozens more, some painful, most heartwarming. By three oclock I was tired, but I had reached the bottom of the stack. There was one letter remaining, the last one I wrote her, and by then I knew I had to keep going.
Men or women, they smile at me when I enter and speak in whispers as they turn off their sets. "Im so glad youve come," they say, and then they ask about my wife.
"Its a degenerative brain disorder affecting memory and personality . . . there is no cure or therapy ... Theres no way to tell how fast it will progress.., it differs from person to person ... I wish I knew more ... Some days will be better than others … It will grow worse with the passage of time … Im sorry to be the one who has to tell you … "
And after our son died, the one who resembled his mother . . . It was the hardest time we ever went through, and the words still ring true today:
Not till the sun excludes you do I exclude you,
She asks: "Did you write that?"
In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you, and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry, I cry, and when you hurt, I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods of tears and despair and make it through the potholed (hole in the ground/surface of a road) streets of life.
"I dont want to hurt your feelings because youve been so nice to me, but..."
And she was frightened, too, for when I tapped on her window, she turned to me and said, "Oh God, whats happening to me? Please help me." A knot twisted in my stomach, but I dared not think the worst.
Minutes pass before she finally turns to me. She is crying. I smile and release her hand, then reach in my pocket. I take out a handkerchief and wipe at her tears. She looks at me as I do so, and I wonder what she is thinking.
Im sorry...
Sitting next to you, while our youngest daughter sang off-key in the school Christmas show, I looked at you and saw a pride that comes only to those who feel deeply in their hearts, and I knew that no man could be more lucky than me.
She flushes with my answer. Her eyes become wet and red, and tears begin to fall.
"A lover of words, a shaper of thoughts."
I pause for just a moment, remembering him. He was four years old at the time, just a baby. I have lived twenty times as long as he, but if asked, I would have traded my life for his. It is a terrible thing to outlive your child, a tragedy I wish upon no one.
"Youve led a full life and wanted for nothing because your needs are spiritual and you have only to look inside you. You are kind and loyal, and you are able to see beauty where others do not. You are a teacher of wonderful lessons, a dreamer of better things."
Be composed - be at ease with me...
Allie organized, as was her disposition. She madearrangements to leave the house and move here. She rewrote her will and sealed it. She left specific burial instructions, and they sit in my desk, in the bottom drawer. I have not seen them. And when she was finished, she began to write. Letters to friends and children. Letters to brothers and sisters and cousins. Letters to nieces, nephews, and neighbors. And a letter to me.
I have read to her this morning, as I do every morning, because it is something I must do. Not for duty - although I suppose a case could be made for this - but for another, more romantic, reason. I wish I could explain it more fully right now, but its still early, and talking about romance isnt really possible before lunch anymore, at least not for me. Besides, I have no idea how its going to turn out, and to be honest, Id rather not get my hopes up.
I lifted the seal and removed both pages. I put the second page aside and moved the first page into better light and began to read:
I see grandchildren and happy faces. I see photos of us, our hair growing whiter, the lines in our faces deeper. A lifetime that seems so typical, yet uncommon.
"Ive heard it before, havent I?
I remember that when I finished the story, the room was quiet until Kate finally stood to embrace me. "Oh, Daddy," she said with tears in her eyes, and though I expected to answer their questions, they did not ask any. Instead, they gave me something much more special.
"Yes, it is," I tell her.
Sometimes, when I am standing there, I think about how lucky I am to have been married to her for almost forty-nine years. Next month it will be that long. She heard me snore for the first forty-five, but since then we have slept in separate rooms. I do not sleep well without her. I toss and turn and yearn for her warmth and lie there most of the night, eyes open wide, watching the shadows dance across the ceilings like tumbleweeds rolling across the desert. I sleep two hours if I am lucky, and still I wake before dawn. This makes no sense to me.
"No, that was Walt Whitman."
I read them last three evenings ago, long after I should have been asleep. It was almost two oclock when I went to the desk and found the stack of letters, thick and tall and weathered. I untied the ribbon, itself almost half a century old, and found the letters her mother had hidden so long ago and those from afterward. A lifetime of letters, letters professing my love, letters from my heart. I glanced through them with a smile on my face, picking and choosing, and finally opened a letter from our first anniversary.
Her legs felt weak as she stepped out of the car. She paused and took a deep breath, and as she started across the parking lot, she realized she still wasnt sure what she was going to say to him. And the answer didnt finally come until she reached the door and opened it and saw Lon standing in the lobby.
She turns toward the nightstand (night table, small bedside table). Her medicine is in a little cup. Mine too. Little pills, colors like a rainbow so we wont forget to take them. They bring mine here now, to her room, even though theyre not supposed to.
I reach for her hand and take it, bony and fragile. It feels nice. She responds with a twitch, and gradually her thumb begins to softly rub my finger. I do not speak until she does; this I have learned. Most days I sit in silence until the sun goes down, and on days like those I know nothingabout her.
She says: "Im sorry. I dont understand anything thats happening to me right now. Even you. When I listen to you talk I feel like I should know you, but I dont. I dont even know my name."
That day was the longest day I ever spent. I looked through magazines I could not read and played games I did not think about. Finally he called us both into his office and sat us down. She held my arm confidently, but I remember clearly that my own hands were shaking.
"Yes," I say, "Im here for you." And always will be, I think to myself.
"Come," I say as I stand with great effort, "lets go for a walk. The air is crisp and the goslings (baby goose) are waiting. Its beautiful today." I am staring at her as I say these last few words.
She asks the obvious: "Well, which one did she finally marry?"
"Im so sorry to have to tell you this," Dr. Barnwell began, "but you seem to be in the early stages of Alzheimers ... "
She read the letter again, more slowly this time, then read it a third time before she put it back into the envelope. Once more, she imagined him writing it, and for a moment she debated reading another, but she knew she couldnt delay any longer. Lon was waiting for her.
Im sorry...
With love so sudden and so sweet,
Although the Bible says man can live to be 120, I dont want to, and I dont think my body would make it even if I did. It is falling apart, dying one piece at a time, steady erosion on the inside and at the joints. My hands are useless, my kidneys are beginning to fail, and my heart rate is decreasing every month. Worse, I have cancer again, this time of the prostate前列腺. This is my third bout with the unseen enemy, and it will take me eventually, though not till I say it is time. The doctors are worried about me, but I am not. I have no time for worry in this twilight of my life.
Six days later the doctor met with her and began a series of tests. I did not understand them then and I do not understand them now, but I suppose it is because I am afraid to know. She spent almost an hour with Dr. Barnwell, and she went back the next day.
So my mind drifts, and I remember thinking about our life together as I made coffee this morning. Kate was there, and so was Jane, and they both became quiet when I walked in the kitchen. I saw theyd been crying, and without a word, I sat myself beside them at the table and held their hands. And do you know what I saw when I looked at them? I saw you from so long ago, the day we said good-bye. They resemble you and how you were then, beautiful and sensitive and wounded with the hurt that comes when something special is taken away. And for a reason Im not sure I understand, I was inspired to tell them a story.
The words echoed in my head: the early stages of Alzheimers . . .
It is a barren disease, as empty and lifeless as a desert. It is a thief of hearts and souls and memories. I did not know what to say to her as she sobbed on my bosom, so I simply held her and rocked her back and forth.
"My name," I say, "is Duke." I have always been a John Wayne fan.
I neer was struck before that hour
I love you, Allie. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream Ive ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, every day we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.
We have lived at Creekside Extended Care Facility for three years now. It was her decision to come here, partly because it was near our home, but also because she thought it would be easier for me. We boarded up our home because neither of us could bear to sell it, signed some papers, and just like that we received a place to live and die in exchange for some of the freedom for which we had worked a lifetime.
"Yes," I say again. I could say more, but usually I dont. She is still beautiful.
I knew there was nothing to forgive, and I whispered in her ear. "Everything will be fine," I whispered, but inside I was afraid. I was a hollow man with nothing to offer, empty as a junked stovepipe (火炉的烟囱).
Im not completely unfortunate, however. The people who work here know me and my faults and do their best to make me more comfortable. They have left me hot tea on the end table, and I reach for it with both hands. It is an effort to pour a cup, but I do so because the tea is needed to warm me and I think the exertion will keep me from completely rusting away. But I am rusted now, no doubt about it. Rusted as a junked car twenty years in the Everglades (wetlands region in southern Florida).
I answer: "The one who was right for her."
"Duke," she whispers to herself, "Duke." She thinks for a moment, her forehead wrinkled, her eyes serious.
"Who?"
My world spun in circles, and I felt her grip tighten on my arm. She whispered, almost to herself: "Oh, Noah... Noah..."
She turns away, and I wait some more. She releases my hand and reaches for her water glass. It is on her nightstand, next to the medicine. She takes a sip.
"Yes," I answer.
My mind went blank, and all I could think about was the light that glowed above our heads.
I told them about our walk, and the crab dinner in the kitchen, and they listened with smiles when they heard about the canoe ride, and sitting in front of the fire with the storm raging outside. I told them about your mother warning us about Lon the next day - they seemed as surprised as we were - and yes, I even told them what happened later that day, after you went back to town.
"It makes me feel less afraid," she says.
We could not foresee the future, but then who can? I do not live now as I expected to. And what did I expect? Retirement. Visits with the grandchildren, perhaps more travel. She always loved to travel. I thought that perhaps I would start a hobby, what I did not know, but possibly shipbuilding. In bottles. Small, detailed, impossible to consider now with my hands. But I am not bitter.
Soon, this will all be over. I know this. She does not. The entries in my diary have become shorter and take little time to write.
She does not look at me, and I cannot see her eyes. This is how she hides her thoughts.
"Yes," I say again, just as I do every time on days like these. I have learned to be patient.
The doctor was grim. He was a good man, and this was hard for him. He was younger than my youngest, and I felt my age in his presence. My mind was confused, my love was shaking, and the only thing I could think was:
I wander all night in my vision, bending with open eyes over the shut eyes of sleepers, wandering and confused, lost to myself, ill-assorted, contradictory, pausing, gazing, bending, and stopping.
A wise poets words, yet they brought me no comfort. I dont know what they meant or why I thought of them.
And by the end, I was crying because I realized how well we had done with raising them. I was so proud of them, and proud of you, and happy about the life we have led. And nothing will ever take that away. Nothing. I only wish you would have been here to enjoy it with me.
I answer from my heart, but I lie to her about her name. As I have about my own. There is a reason for this.
And so the years passed. We led our lives, working, painting, raising children, loving each other. I see photos of Christmases, family trips, of graduations and of weddings.
I smile. "Youll know," I say quietly, "by the end of the day. Youll know."
"Which one was that?"
