Yet my promise remains true at the closing of our days,
It is now dusk. We have left our bench and are shuffling along lighted paths that wind their way around this complex. She is holding my arm, and I am her escort. It is her idea to do this. Perhaps she is charmed by me. Perhaps she wants to keep me from falling. Either way, I am smiling to myself.
If I were a Cadillac, I would drive in circles, one wheel turning, for the right side of my body is weaker than the left. This, they tell me, is good news, for the paralysis could have been total. Sometimes, it seems, I am surrounded by optimists.
"I found this in the pocket of my coat."
I finally stand and walk to my desk and turn on the lamp. This takes more effort than I think it will, and I am strained, so I do not return to the window seat. I sit down and spend a few minutes looking at the pictures that sit on my desk. Family pictures, pictures of children and vacations. Pictures of Allie and me. I think back to the times we shared together, alone or with family, and once again I realize how ancient I am.
Who am I kidding?
"I noticed your light was on. Do you mind if I come in?"
"I havent, either," I say, but I am looking at her. She knows what I mean, and I see her smile. A moment later she whispers:
I sit by the window in an easy chair and I think about today. It was happy and sad, wonderful and heart-wrenching. My conflicting emotions keep me silent for many hours.
She thinks about this and laughs. Then she answers as I would: "I think some women do."
Deep breaths, relaxed breaths, and there is a moment when she dozes off, like those comfortable with one another often do. I wonder if the young are capable of enjoying this. Finally, when she wakes, a miracle.
She is right about my evasiveness. On days like these, when only her memory is gone, I am vague in my answers because Ive hurt my wife unintentionally with careless slips of my tongue many times these past few years, and I am determined not to let it happen again. So I limit myself and answer only what is asked, sometimes not too well, and I volunteer nothing.
"I know you do, but I cant let you see her."
If you must know and never shall they be apart;
"Well, theyre right there," she says, pushing me away, "and theyre staring at me."
I feel wonder, I feel awe, like a composer first discovering the works of Mozart.
"Go ahead."
I read it, and it says:
"Youre not really going for a walk, are you? Youre going to see Allie."
"She went with Noah."
"No," I whisper while shaking my head.
She knows ...
What is death? I wonder, but I do not say this. Instead I answer, "My wife is alive in my heart. And she always will be."
As Glenn Miller plays softly in a candlelit room, I watch as she gradually gives in to the feelings inside her. I see a warm smile begin to form on her lips, the kind that makes it all worthwhile, and I watch as she raises her hazy eyes to mine.
"I believe you."
"I dont want to forget you or this day, and Im trying to keep your memory alive."
We resume our walk, me in one hand, the flowers in another. People watch us, for we are a walking miracle, or so I am told. It is true in a way, though most times I do not feel lucky.
I do not move, on this our anniversary, for almost a minute, and I long to tell her how I feel, but I stay quiet so I wont wake her. Besides, it is written on the slip of paper that I will slide under her pillow. It says:
The people here take care of everything. They are good to me, and I am thankful.
Come morning light with soft-lit powers to awaken love thats ever sure.
With splendid dawn, your face aglow
"Because I have found what you have hidden."
"Absolutely."
He comes in and looks around the room before taking a seat a few feet from me.
She knows this is all I can do, for neither of us wants empty promises. But I can tell by the way she is looking at me that once again she wishes there were more.
"Noah," she says, "what are you doing?"
For forty-five years now. Wonderful years.
"Go away! Stay away from me!" she screams. She is pushing the gnomes away from her, terrified, now oblivious of my presence.
"But Noah, youre not supposed to do this, and I cant let you. So go back to your room." Then, smiling softly and sniffling and shuffling some papers on the desk, she says: "Me, Im going downstairs for some coffee. I wont be back to check on you for a while, so dont do anything foolish."
"I think I have an admirer."
"Its good to talk to you. I find that I miss it, even when it hasnt been that long."
Her voice breaks as she finishes, but I dont know what to say. I know the evening is coming to an end, and there is nothing I can do to stop the inevitable. In this I am a failure. I finally tell her:
I go on: "I know you cant remember who you are, but I can, and I find that when I look at you, it makes me feel good."
My hand, I noticed, started to tingle, something it had never done before. I started to lift it, but I was forced to stop when my head pounded again, this time hard, almost as if I had been hit in the head with a hammer. I closed my eyes, then squeezed my lids tight. My hand stopped tingling and began to go numb, quickly, as if my nerves were suddenly severed somewhere on my lower arm. My wrist locked as a shooting pain rocked my head and seemed to flow down my neck and into every cell of my body, like a tidal wave, crushing and wasting everything in its path.
"Are there more?" I ask.
I dont answer directly. Instead I say, "I miss her."
"Then I can go?"
I know you thought me crazy for making us write our story before we finally leave our home, but I have my reasons and I thank you for your patience. And though you asked, I never told you why, but now I think it is time you knew.
"Yes," I answer.
When I finally reach her room my body is weak. My legs wobble, my eyes are blurred, and my heart is beating funny inside my chest. I struggle with the knob, and in the end it takes two hands and three truckloads of effort. The door opens and light from the hallway spills in, illuminating the bed where she sleeps. I think, as I see her, I am nothing but a passerby on a busy city street, forgotten forever.
Will it work this time? I wonder, then know it will not. It cant. I do not tell her my thoughts, though. I smile instead because her words are sweet.
"You do?"
I say nothing. Later I hear her walk by again, pushing a cart, talking to another nurse, their voices hushed.
"Theres no one there, Allie," I say, trying to fend off the inevitable. She doesnt believe me. "Theyre staring at me."
She is teasing me, and I enjoy it. We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken us a lifetime to learn.
I lost my sight, and I heard what sounded like a train roaring inches from my head, and I knew that I was having a stroke. The pain coursed through my body like a lightning bolt, and in my last remaining moments of consciousness, I pictured Allie, lying in her bed, waiting for the story I would never read, lost and confused, completely and totally unable to help herself. Just like me.
I drifted in and out of consciousness for days until another foggy morning when my promise to Allie spurred my body once again. I opened my eyes and saw a room full of flowers, and their scent motivated me further. I looked for the buzzer, struggled to press it, and a nurse arrived thirty seconds later, followed closely by Dr. Barnwell, who smiled almost immediately.
"Dont try to say anything," she tells me. "Lets just feel the moment."
She makes no response to this except to squeeze my arm, and I can tell she likes what I said. Our life together has enabled me to see the clues, even if she does not know them herself.
"I suppose so."
The doctors were worried. I could see the concern in their faces through squinted eyes as they scanned the charts and adjusted the machines. They whispered their thoughts, thinking I couldnt hear. "Strokes could be serious," theyd say, "especially for someone his age, and the consequences could be severe." Grim faces would prelude their predictions - "loss of speech, loss of movement, paralysis." Another chart notation, another beep of a strange machine, and theyd leave, never knowing I heard every word. I tried not to think of these things afterward but instead concentrated on Allie, bringing a picture of her to my mind whenever I could. I did my best to bring her life into mine, to make us one again. I tried to feel her touch, hear her voice, see her face, and when I did tears would fill my eyes because I didnt know if I would be able to hold her again, to whisper to her, to spend the day with her talking and reading and walking.
"An admirer?"
But she does. Not every day, not most of the time, and definitely less than she used to. But sometimes. And all that is gone on these days is her memory, as if she has amnesia. But her emotions are normal, her thoughts are normal. And these are the days that I know I am doing right.
We have lived a lifetime most couples never know, and yet, when I look at you, I am frightened by the knowledge that all this will be ending soon. For we both know my prognosis and what it will mean to us. I see your tears and I worry more about you than I do about me, because I fear the pain I know you will go through. There are no words to express my sorrow for this, and I am at a loss for words.
I put the pages aside and remember sitting with Allie on our porch when she read this letter for the first time. It was late afternoon, with red streaks cutting the summer sky, and the last remnants of the day were fading. The sky was slowly changing color, and as I was watching the sun go down, I remember thinking about that brief, flickering moment when day suddenly turns into night.
A tender touch that ends with a kiss
"Who?"
"Whats really bothering you, Noah? Did Allie say or do something that hurt your feelings?
Dusk, I realized then, is just an illusion, because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time.
"Im fine. Just a little tired."
This was not how Id imagined, or hoped, it would end. Id always assumed I would go last. This wasnt how it was supposed to be.
Women.
She bathes willingly but will not eat regularly. She is thin now, much too thin, in my opinion, and on good days I do my best to fatten her up.
Dr. Barnwell peeks in.
"Its our anniversary," I say. This is true. It is one year before gold. Forty-nine years today.
A couple of pages fall to the floor, and I bend over to pick them up. I am tired now, so I sit, alone and apart from my wife.
There is no explanation for this. "Its impossible," the doctors say. "She must not have Alzheimers." But she does. On most days and every morning there can be no doubt. On this there is agreement.
Noah, I hear again. Noah. The word echoes in my head. Noah... Noah. She knows, I think to myself, she knows who I am ...
She takes this in. I dont know how she feels about this. Finally she speaks softly, her voice angelic, sensual. I wonder if she knows I think these things.
By the time the candles have burned down a third, I am ready to break the silence.
So I love you so deeply, so incredibly much, that I will find a way to come back to you despite my disease, I promise you that. And this is where the story comes in. When I am lost and lonely, read this story - just as you told it to the children - and know that in some way, I will realize it about us. And perhaps, just perhaps, we will find a way to be together again.
"Noah, Ive worked here for five years and I worked at another home before that. Ive seen hundreds of couples struggle with grief and sadness, but Ive never seen anyone handle it like you do. No one around here, not the doctors, not the nurses, has ever seen anything like it."
"Because I think it is you."
I am a silent panther creeping through the jungle, I am as invisible as baby pigeons.
The body slows with mortal ache,
It takes a man to do that, Noah, to live with something like that. And you have.
When I am finished with the letter, I put it aside. I rise from my desk and find my slippers. They are near my bed, and I must sit to put them on. Then, standing, I cross the room and open my door. I peek down the hall and see Janice seated at the main desk. At least I think it is Janice. I must pass this desk to get to Allies room, but at this hour I am not supposed to leave my room, and Janice has never been one to bend the rules. Her husband is a lawyer.
Twenty... Thirty seconds pass, and I continue to stare, my eyes missing nothing, remembering the moments we just shared together. But in all that time she does not look back, and I am haunted by the visions of her struggling with unseen enemies.
Since this seems to be a night of memories, I look for and find my wedding ring.
Her room is quiet, and she is lying with the covers halfway up. After a moment I see her roll to one side, and her noises bring back memories of happier times. She looks small in her bed, and as I watch her I know it is over between us. The air is stale and I shiver. This place has become our tomb.
"Noah, you know what happened the last time you saw her at night."
I finally exit my room anyway, slow-shuffle, slide-the-right, slow-shuffle. It takes aeons to close the distance, but for some reason she does not see me approaching.
There is fear growing inside her, and I hurt, for there is nothing I can do. She moves farther from me, backing away, her hands in a defensive position, and then she says the most heartbreaking words of all.
There is beauty where we sit this afternoon, Allie and I. This is the pinnacle of my life. They are here at the creek: the birds, the geese, my friends. Their bodies float on the cool water, which reflects bits and pieces of their colors and make them seem larger than they really are. Allie too is taken in by their wonder, and little by little we get to know each other again.
"Now dont go putting me on the spot. I dont know you well enough for that."
The crickets serenade us, and we begin to pick at our dinner. Neither one of us is hungry, but I lead by example and she follows me. She takes small bites and chews a long time, but I am glad to see her eat. She has lost too much weight in the past three months.
It is late when I return, and when I reach my room, I know I will not sleep. I breathe deeply and smell the springtime fragrances that filter through my room. The window has been left open, and there is a slight chill in the air. I find that I am invigorated by the change in temperature. Evelyn, one of the many nurses here who is one-third my age, helps me to the chair that sits by the window and begins to close it. I stop her, and though her eyebrows rise, she accepts my decision. I hear a drawer open, and a moment later a sweater is draped over my shoulders. She adjusts it as if I were a child, and when she is finished, she puts her hand on my shoulder and pats it gently. She says nothing as she does this, and by her silence I know that she is staring out the window. She does not move for a long time, and I wonder what she is thinking, but I do not ask. Eventually I hear her sigh. She turns to leave, and as she does, she stops, leans forward, and then kisses me on the cheek, tenderly, the way my granddaughter does. I am surprised by this, and she says quietly, "Its good to have you back. Allies missed you and so have the rest of us. We were all praying for you because its just not the same around here when youre gone." She smiles at me and touches my face before she leaves.
She says nothing else right away, she doesnt have to, and she gives me a look from another lifetime that makes me whole again. I smile back, with as much passion as I can muster, and we stare at each other with the feelings inside us rolling like ocean waves. I look around the room, then up to the ceiling, then back at Allie, and the way shes looking at me makes me warm. And suddenly I feel young again. Im no longer cold or aching, or hunched over or deformed, or almost blind with cataractal eyes.
"Why are you doing this?"
I smile and nod. "Yes, she did," I say softly, and she smiles back. Her face is radiant.
"Welcome back," he said, "I knew youd make it."
"See, you havent really answered the question. You havent answered most of my questions. You didnt even tell me how the story ended this morning."
"Im alone," I say as I look at my watch and think of his family sleeping in a quiet house, the place he should be, "and so are you."
But it wont. Of this Im sure, for as time slips by, I begin to see the signs of concern in her face.
"Im so afraid. Im afraid of forgetting you again. It isnt fair... I just cant bear to give this up."
I lead a simple life now. I am foolish, an old man in love, a dreamer who dreams of nothing but reading to Allie and holding her whenever I can. I am a sinner with many faults and a man who believes in magic, but I am too old to change and too old to care.
"Yes and no. I think everyone has secrets, but we have been acquainted for years."
I nod and she walks in the room.
Her disease is worse now than it was in the beginning, though Allie is different from most. There are three others with the disease here, and these three are the sum of my practical experience with it. They, unlike Allie, are in the most advanced stages of Alzheimers and are almost completely lost. They wake up hallucinating and confused. They repeat themselves over and over. Two of the three cant feed themselves and will die soon. The third has a tendency to wander and get lost. She was found once in a strangers car a quarter mile away. Since then she has been strapped to the bed. All can be very bitter at times, and at other times they can be like lost children, sad and alone. Seldom do they recognize the staff or people who love them. It is a trying disease, and this is why it is hard for their children and mine to visit.
Looking back, I find it ironic that she chose to read the letter at the exact moment that question popped into my head. It is ironic, of course, because I know the answer now. I know what its like to be day and night now; always together, forever apart.
I think I hear someone coming, so I enter her room and close the door behind me.
I dont move, though. I am determined.
She looks away for a moment, and her voice changes. Her voice is softer now, and I am surprised. She has never struck me as the sentimental type.
In the end I am discovered, but I am not surprised. I stand before her.
Lying awake at night and sitting by my heater in the morning. I find a strange comfort in the predictability of my life.
I am warm for the first time in years as I begin my trek to Allies room. I take steps the size of Pixie straws, and even at that pace it is dangerous, for my legs have grown tired already. I find I must touch the wall to keep from falling down.
I feel her tremble and I whisper in her ear. Nothing.
But why, then, is her condition different? Why does she sometimes change after I read? I tell the doctors the reason - I know it in my heart, but I am not believed.
I closed my eyes for a few minutes while my head alternately pounded and subsided.
I stand and cross the room to her bed. I am weak now, my legs ache, and there is a strange pain in my side. I dont know where it comes from. It is a struggle to press the button to call the nurses, for my fingers are throbbing and seem frozen together, but I finally succeed. They will be here soon now, I know, and I wait for them. While I wait, I stare at my wife.
"I see," and that is all I say.
Lightning cuts the wild sky, and I feel my mind drift back. Who are we, Allie and I? Are we ancient ivy on a cypress tree, tendrils and branches intertwined so closely that we would both die if we were forced apart? I dont know. Another bolt and the table beside me is lit enough to see a picture of Allie, the best one I have. I had it framed years ago in the hope that the glass would make it last forever. I reach for it and hold it inches from my face. I stare at it for a long time, I cant help it. She was forty-one when it was taken, and she had never been more beautiful. There are so many things I want to ask her, but I know the picture wont answer, so I put it aside.
I was unconscious on and off for days, and in those moments when I was awake, I found myself hooked to machines, tubes up my nose and down my throat and two bags of fluid hanging near the bed. I could hear the faint hum of machines, droning on and off, sometimes making sounds I could not recognize. One machine, beeping with my heart rate, was strangely soothing, and I found myself lulled to never-land time and time again.
"I see."
You have something inside you, Noah, something beautiful and strong. Kindness, thats what I see when I look at you now, thats what everyone sees. Kindness. You are the most forgiving and peaceful man I know. God is with you, He must be, for you are the closest thing to an angel that Ive ever met.
"Why are you spending the day with me?"
She pulls my hand toward her.
"Youre wonderful...," she says softly, trailing off, and at that moment she falls in love with me, too; this I know, for I have seen the signs a thousand times.
Lights buzz overhead, their fluorescent glow making my eyes ache, and I squint a little. I walk by a dozen darkened rooms, rooms where I have read before, and I realize I miss the people inside. They are my friends, whose faces I know so well, and I will see them all tomorrow. But not tonight, for there is no time to stop on this journey. I press on, and the movement forces blood through banished arteries. I feel myself becoming stronger with every step. I hear a door open behind me, but I dont hear footsteps, and I keep going. I am a stranger now. I cannot be stopped. A phone rings in the nurses station, and I push forward so I will not be caught. I am a midnight bandit, masked and fleeing on horseback from sleepy desert towns, charging into yellow moons with gold dust in my saddlebags. I am young and strong with passion in my heart, and I will break down the door and lift her in my arms and carry her to paradise.
I can only nod. He goes on, shaking his head. "Ive never seen anything like it, or even heard about it. I guess thats what love is all about. You two were meant for each other. She must love you very much. You know that, dont you?"
Two weeks later I am able to leave the hospital, though I am only half a man now.
"I know."
"Do you see that bird?" She points to it, and I strain my eyes. It is a wonder I can see it, but I can because the sun is bright. I point, too.
"Did you do this?"
I tell the truth.
Her touch is nice, and we stand close together on this crystal springtime evening. The window is open slightly, and I feel a breeze as it fans my cheek. The moon has risen, and we watch for a long time as the evening sky unfolds.
The days were hard on both of us. I was an encyclopedia, an object without feeling, of the whos, whats and wheres in her life, when in reality it is the whys, the things I did not know and could not answer, that make it all worthwhile. She would stare at pictures of forgotten offspring, hold paintbrushes that inspired nothing, and read love letters that brought back no joy. She would weaken over the hours, growing paler, becoming bitter, and ending the day worse than when it began. Our days were lost, and so was she. And selfishly, so was I.
We walk some more. Finally she says, "I have to tell you something."
"Is this something we do often?" she asks. "Do we sit here and watch the birds a lot? I mean, do we know each other well?"
"What was she like?"
"What are you thinking?" she asks.
"You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."
Nothing.
"Im taking a walk," I say. "I cant sleep."
Will awaken love in joyous ways.
"I think I know who Allie went with at the end of the story," she says.
She murmurs, "Noah... my sweet Noah..." And I, who could not accept the doctors words, have triumphed again, at least for a moment. I give up the pretense of mystery, and I kiss her hand and bring it to my cheek and whisper in her ear. I say:
But this is where the similarity ends. This is why Allie is considered a miracle, because sometimes, just sometimes, after I read to her, her condition isnt so bad.
He cares for his patients, he says, and must come here when called. He says he has no choice, but this makes him a man torn by contradiction. He wants to be a doctor completely devoted to his patients and a man completely devoted to his family. He cannot be both, for there arent enough hours, but he has yet to learn this. I wonder, as his voice fades into the background, which he will choose or whether, sadly, the choice will be made for him.
She looks to her hands, then mine. She thinks about this for a moment, her face at such an angle that she looks young again. We do not wear our rings. Again, there is a reason for this. She asks: "Were you ever married?"
Instead they look to science. Four times specialists have traveled from Chapel Hill to find the answer. Four times they have left without understanding.
She pauses for just a moment, and strangely, her eyes begin to fill with tears. She wipes them with her finger and goes on:
Does this make me dishonest? Perhaps, but I have seen her crushed by the waterfall of information that is her life. Could I look myself in the mirror without red eyes and quivering jaw and know I have forgotten all that was important to me? I could not and neither can she, for when this odyssey began, this is how I began. Her life, her marriage, her children. Her friends and her work. Questions and answers in the game show format of This Is Your Life.
It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence.
I say, "I love you deeply, and I hope you know that."
"Whats wrong?" I ask, and her answer comes softly.
The clock ticks. Nothing.
I wonder if she hears me when I say this, and I wait for a sign. But there is nothing.
The words are inside me.
"You dont believe me?"
I did not read to anyone this evening; I could not, for poetic introspection would bring me to tears. In time, the hallways become quiet except for the footfalls of evening soldiers. At eleven oclock I hear the familiar sounds that for some reason I expected. The footsteps I know so well.
"I see."
We had a wonderful life together, and I think about it a lot now. I close my eyes sometimes and see you with speckles of gray in your hair, sitting on the porch and playing your guitar while little ones play and clap to the music you create. Your clothes are stained from hours of work and you are tired, and though I offer you time to relax, you smile and say, "That what I am doing now." I find your love for our children very sensual and exciting. "Youre a better father than you know," I tell you later, after the children are sleeping. Soon after, we peel off our clothes and kiss each other and almost lose ourselves before we are able to slip between the flannel sheets. I love you for many things, especially your passions, for they have always been those things which are most beautiful in life. Love and poetry and fatherhood and friendship and beauty and nature. And I am glad you have taught the children these things, for I know their lives are better for it. They tell me how special you are to them, and every time they do, it makes me feel like the luckiest woman alive. You have taught me as well, and inspired me, and supported me in my painting, and you will never know how much it has meant to me. My works hang in museums and private collections now, and though there have been times when I was frazzled and distracted because of shows and critics, you were always there with kind words, encouraging me. You understood my need for my own studio, my own space, and saw beyond the paint on my clothes and in my hair and sometimes on the furniture. I know it was not easy.
Time passes, and gradually our breathing begins to coincide just as it did this morning.
"No," I say, and she thinks for a moment.
"What?"
I spend the rest of the evening alone in my room. My door is partially open and I see people walk by, some strangers, some friends, and if I concentrate, I can hear them talking about families, jobs, and visits to parks. Ordinary conversations, nothing more, but I find that I envy them and the ease of their communication. Another deadly sin, I know, but sometimes I cant help it.
This is a split decision, both good and bad, but necessary, for with knowledge comes pain. To limit the pain I limit my answers. There are days she never learns of her children or that we are married. I am sorry for this, but I will not change.
Nor did you question me when I would leave and walk alone the next few days. And when I came in with tears in my eyes, you always knew whether I needed you to hold me or to just let me be. I dont know how you knew, but you did, and you made it easier for me. Later when we went to the small chapel and traded our rings and made our vows, I looked in your eyes and knew I had made the right decision. But more than that, I knew I was foolish for ever considering someone else. I have never wavered since.
I cant take it again! It isnt fair.., it isnt fair... But once again, it is to no avail.
Dear Noah, I write this letter by candlelight as you lie sleeping in the bedroom we have shared since the day we were married. And though I cant hear the soft sounds of your slumber, I know you are there, and soon I will be lying next to you again as I always have.
"No. She was wonderful, actually. Its just that right now I feel.., alone."
"Who are you?" she cries with panic in her voice, her face becoming whiter. "What are you doing here?"
I am sincere and she knows this, but she is still wary. I am a stranger.
It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.
It happened as I sat in the chair, just as the sun first peeked over the horizon.
I turn to Allie and dream a thousand dreams, and though I know I should not, I sit on her bed while I slip the note beneath her pillow. Then I reach across and gently touch her face, soft like powder. I stroke her hair, and my breath is taken away.
She looks me in the eyes, and for a moment, just a moment, her eyes twinkle. A slight smile forms on her lips.
Please dont be angry with me on days I do not remember you, and we both know they will come. Know that I love you, that I always will, and that no matter what happens, know I have led the greatest life possible. My life with you. And if you save this letter to read again, then believe what I am writing for you now. Noah, wherever you are and whenever this is, I love you. I love you now as I write this, and I love you now as you read this. And I am so sorry if I am not able to tell you. I love you deeply, my husband. You are, and always have been, my dream. Allie
And I do, and I feel heaven.
Allie, of course, has her own problems, too, problems that will probably grow worse over time. She is terribly afraid in the mornings and cries inconsolably. She sees tiny people, like gnomes, I think, watching her, and she screams at them to get away.
She gives me no clues, and I gently squeeze her hand. I wait. With all my dreams, I know her heart, and I know Im almost there.
"You cant see them?"
A lump has risen in my throat, and I am speechless.
Such a tiny thing, this knowledge, but for me it is a gift from God, and I feel our lifetime together, holding her, loving her, and being with her through the best years of my life.
"Yes."
By the following week, my life had pretty much returned to normal. Or at least as normal as my life can be. Reading to Allie, reading to others, wandering the halls.
You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.
And then, a miracle that proves me right.
"Caspian stern," I say softly, and we devote our attention to it and stare as it glides over Brices Creek. And, like an old habit rediscovered, when I lower my arm, I put my hand on her knee and she doesnt make me move it.
And when her lips meet mine, I feel a strange tingling I have never felt before, in all our years together, but I do not pull back. And suddenly, a miracle, for I feel her mouth open and I discover a forgotten paradise, unchanged all this time, ageless like the stars. I feel the warmth of her body, and as our tongues meet, I allow myself to slip away, as I had so many years ago. I close my eyes and become a mighty ship in churning waters, strong and fearless, and she is my sails. I gently trace the outline of her cheek, then take her hand in mine. I kiss her lips, her cheeks, and listen as she takes a breath. She murmurs softly, "Oh, Noah... Ive missed you."
"Is she dead?"
I shrug. We sit quietly for a while. Finally I ask: "Is it true?"
No! My mind screams. Not yet! Not now... not when were so close! Not tonight! Any night but tonight... Please!
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Ill never leave you. What we have is forever."
After dinner, I become afraid despite myself. I know I should be joyous, for this reunion is the proof that love can still be ours, but I know the bell has tolled this evening. The sun has long since set and the thief is about to come, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So I stare at her and wait and live a lifetime in these last remaining moments.
She turns to me and stares for a long time.
"This," she says, handing a small slip of paper to me. "I found it under my pillow."
"I remember."
"You should."
She is quiet for a moment. She looks away so I cant see her face. It has been her habit for years.
Dinner is waiting in her room when we return. It has been arranged for us to eat here, as it always is on days like these, and once again I could ask for no more.
Itis eleven-thirty and I look for the letter she wrote me, the one I read when the mood strikes me. I find it where I last left it. I turn it over a couple of times before I open it, and when I do my hands begin to tremble. Finally I read:
"No," I say, shaking my head.
I sit by the bedside with an aching back and start to cry as I pick up the notebook.
I pull out her chair with some effort. She sits and I sit opposite her. She offers her hand across the table, and I take it in mine, and I feel her thumb begin to move as it did so many years ago. Without speaking, I stare at her for a long time, living and reliving the moments of my life, remembering it all and making it real. I feel my throat begin to tighten, and once again I realize how much I love her. My voice is shaky when I finally speak.
"Of course I do," she says breathlessly. "Ive always loved you, Noah."
A pit rises in my stomach, hard and full. My breathing stops for a moment, then starts again, this time shallower. My mouth goes dry, and I feel my heart pounding. It is over, I know, and I am right. The sundowning has come. This, the evening confusion associated with Alzheimers disease that affects my wife, is the hardest part of all. For when it comes, she is gone, and sometimes I wonder whether she and I will ever love again.
"I try to think what its like for you, how you keep going day after day, but I cant even imagine it. I dont know how you do it. You even beat her disease sometimes. Even though the doctors dont understand it, we nurses do. Its love, its as simple as that. Its the most incredible thing Ive ever seen."
She rises quickly, touches my arm, and walks toward the stairs. She doesnt look back, and suddenly I am alone. I dont know what to think. I look at where she had been sitting and see her coffee, a full cup, still steaming, and once again I learn that there are good people in the world.
"Im thinking about you."
"Of course. But I love many things. I love to sit here with you. I love to share the beauty of this place with someone I care about. I love to watch the osprey swoop toward the creek and find its dinner."
She taps my arm and smiles. "Youre a kind man with a loving heart. I hope I enjoyed you as much before as I do now."
"She was my dream. She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat. I think about her all the time. Even now, when Im sitting here, I think about her. There could never have been another.
Blackness descends and I cross her floor from memory and reach the window. I open the curtains, and the moon stares back, large and full, the guardian of the evening.
So I changed. I became Magellan or Columbus, an explorer in the mysteries of the mind, and I learned, bumbling and slow, but learning nonetheless what had to be done. And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.
Love, in these last and tender hours is sensitive and very pure
It always amazes me how quickly it happens. Even now, after all this time. For as she holds me, she begins to blink rapidly and shake her head. Then, turning toward the corner of the room, she stares for a long time, concern etched on her face.
"Youre so beautiful," I say. I can see in her eyes that she knows how I feet about her and what I really mean by my words.
No fear, just curiosity. This is good. I know what she means, but I ask anyway. "What?"
Allie does not notice. I understand, for her mind is gone.
By the time we reach the doorway, I am tired. She knows this, so she stops me with her hand and makes me face her. I do and I realize how hunched over I have become.
I nod "Yes."
"I hear," he says, "you had a good day with Allie." He smiles. He is intrigued by us and the relationship we have. I do not know if his interest is entirely professional.
"I read once that women love mysterious strangers."
How would it feel, I remember wondering, to be always together, yet forever apart?
"You know youre not supposed to do this."
Im strong and proud, and the luckiest man alive, and I keep on feeling that way for a long time across the table.
"Oh . . . Noah," she says with tears in her eyes, "I love you, too."
"Four hours? Noah, thats… incredible."
With that, she begins to talk to herself, and moments later, when I try to comfort her, she flinches with wide eyes.
Then, opening them, I watched my old friend, the creek, roll by my window. Unlike Allie, I had been given a room where I could see it, and it has never failed to inspire me. It is a contradiction - this creek - a hundred thousand years old but renewed with each rainfall. I talked to it that morning, whispered so it could hear, "You are blessed, my friend, and I am blessed, and together we meet the coming days."
The lights are dimmed, the room is lit by two candles on the table where we will sit, and music is playing softly in the background. The cups and plates are plastic, and the carafe (glass bottle) is filled with apple juice, but rules are rules and she doesnt seem to care. She inhales slightly at the sight. Her eyes are wide.
I take her in my arms and we hold each other. Nothing.
My throat closes a little. There is emotion behind her words, the emotions I feel whenever I think of her. I know this is why I live, and I love her dearly at this moment. How I wish I were strong enough to carry her in my arms to paradise.
If only it would end like this, I would be a happy man.
The stars are out tonight, and the world is glowing an eerie blue. The crickets are singing, and their sound drowns out everything else. As I sit, I wonder if anyone outside can see me, this prisoner of flesh. I search the trees, the courtyard, the benches near the geese, looking for signs of life, but there is nothing. Even the creek is still. In the darkness it looks like empty space, and I find that Im drawn to its mystery. I watch for hours, and as I do, I see the reflection of clouds as they begin to bounce off the water. A storm is coming, and in time the sky will turn silver, like dusk again.
"Thank you," I say.
Dr. Barnwell is here, too, speaking with one of the nurses, and I wonder who is ill enough to warrant such a visit at this hour. He works too much, I tell him. Spend the time with your family, I say, they wont be around forever. But he doesnt listen to me.
She stirs and opens her eyes, squinting softly, and I suddenly regret my foolishness, for I know she will begin to cry and scream, for this is what she always does. I am impulsive and weak, this I know, but I feel an urge to attempt the impossible and I lean toward her, our faces drawing closer.
I am an epic adventure now when I travel the halls. It is slow going even for me, this coming from a man who could barely outpace a turtle two weeks ago.
The bad news is that my hands prevent me from using either cane or wheelchair, so I must now march to my own unique cadence to keep upright. Not left-right-left as was common in my youth, or even the shuffle-shuffle of late, but rather slow-shuffle, slide-the-right, slow-shuffle.
Our souls were one,
"You think its me?" I finally ask.
I see the flame beside me and it reminds me of another fire from decades ago, with me in your soft clothes and you in your jeans. I knew then we would always be together, even though I wavered the following day. My heart had been captured, roped by a southern poet, and I knew inside that it had always been yours. Who was I to question a love that rode on shooting stars and roared like crashing waves? For that is what it was between us then and that is what it is today.
"You still love her, dont you?"
"Why?"
We walk as the sun sinks lower in the sky. In time, silver twilight is the only remainder of the day, and still we talk of the poetry. She is enthralled by the romance.
I remember coming back to you the next day, the day my mother visited. I was so scared, more scared than I had ever been because I was sure you would never forgive me for leaving you. I was shaking as I got out of the car, but you took it all away with your smile and the way you held your hand out to me. "How bout some coffee," was all you said. And you never brought it up again. In all our years together.
"She was okay. We talked for almost four hours."
I tell them, "You cant possibly understand it if you use only your training and your books," but they shake their heads and answer: "Alzheimers does not work like this. With her condition, its just not possible to have a conversation or improve as the day goes on. Ever."
And I will feel your warmth and your comfort, and your breaths will slowly guide me to the place where I dream of you and the wonderful man you are.
I think about this as we walk in silence, holding each other, past the rooms, past the courtyard. We come to the garden, mainly wildflowers, and I stop her. I pick a bundle, red, pink, yellow, violet. I give them to her, and she brings them to her nose. She smells them with eyes closed and she whispers, "Theyre beautiful."
I tell her for the last time this evening that I love her.
I wait to see if she will leave, but she does not seem to be moving, and I grow impatient.
It is impossible to tell with this disease. Why do I think such things?
"Those people," she finally says, pointing, "are staring at me. Please make them stop." The gnomes.
"Why?"
The next few days passed without significance. Allie was unable to recognize me at any time, and I admit my attention waned now and then, for most of my thoughts were of the day we had just spent. Though the end always comes too soon, there was nothing lost that day, only gained, and I was happy to have received this blessing once again.
"Do you?"
"Ive never seen anything so beautiful, Im sure of it," she says, and I agree with her.
She and I are now level. Sometimes I am glad she doesnt know how much I have changed.
It is life, I think, to watch the water. A man can learn so many things.
"I like being with you, but if getting me intrigued is what youre after, youve succeeded. I admit I enjoy your company, but I know nothing about you. I dont expect you to tell me your life story, but why are you so mysterious?"
I open a drawer and find the flowers Id once given her long ago, old and faded and tied together with ribbon. They, like me, are dry and brittle and difficult to handle without breaking. But she saved them. "I dont understand what you want with them," I would say, but she would just ignore me. And sometimes in the evenings I would see her holding them, almost reverently, as if they offered the secret of life itself.
I offer my arm in escort and lead her to the window. She doesnt release it when we get there.
"Then you know you shouldnt be doing this."
"Youre sure?"
"It looks beautiful."
"Is what true?"
She does not respond. Instead she lowers her eyes and I wonder what shes thinking.
I smile. "Im here because this is where Im supposed to be. Its not complicated. Both you and I are enjoying ourselves. Dont dismiss my time with you - its not wasted. Its what I want. I sit here and we talk and I think to myself, what could be better than what I am doing now?"
Another miracle - the greatest of all! - and theres no way I can stop the tears as we begin to slip toward heaven itself. For at that moment, the world is full of wonder as I feel her fingers reach for the buttons on my shirt and slowly, ever so slowly, she begins to undo them one by one.
"How was Allie today?"
"Im thirsty," I said with a raspy voice, and Dr. Barnwell smiled broadly.
And as my eyes closed for the final time, I thought to myself, Oh God, what have I done?
"I know," I say, but I cant say anything more.
The ripples and waves circled and twisted in agreement, the pale glow of morning light reflecting the world we share. The creek and I. Flowing, ebbing, receding.
I reach for you and find my heart.
And when the nurses come in they see two people they must comfort. A woman shaking in fear from demons in her mind, and the old man who loves her more deeply than life itself, crying softly in the corner, his face in his hands.
It is in the top drawer, wrapped in tissue. I cannot wear it anymore because my knuckles are swollen and my fingers lack for blood. I unwrap the tissue and find it unchanged. It is powerful, a symbol, a circle, and I know, I know, there could never have been another. I knew it then, and I know it now. And in that moment I whisper aloud, "I am still yours, Allie, my queen, my timeless beauty. You are, and always have been, the best thing in my life."
He cocks his head at my answer and looks at me. "You okay, Noah? You look a little down."
"Alone? Nobodys alone."
And the thief comes.
On a cool, foggy morning eight days after she and I had spent our day together, I woke early, as is my custom, and puttered around my desk, alternately looking at photographs and reading letters written many years before. At least I tried to. I couldnt concentrate too well because I had a headache, so I put them aside and went to sit in my chair by the window to watch the sun come up. Allie would be awake in a couple of hours, I knew, and I wanted to be refreshed, for reading all day would only make my head hurt more.
Tonight, with Allie down the hall, I am alone. I will always be alone. This I thought as I lay in the hospital. This Im sure of as I look out the window and watch the storm clouds appear. Despite myself I am saddened by our plight, for I realize that the last day we were together I never kissed her lips. Perhaps I never will again.
"That women love mysterious strangers?”
"I mean it. I dont want to forget you again. Youre very special to me. I dont know what I would have done without you today."
