"Dozens of letters. I wrote you for two years without receiving a single reply."
"A couple of times. But only in salads."
"Sure," she said.
Noah thought about what she had said for a long while, thinking about the relationships hed had since hed last seen her.
"You want to sit on the porch for a few minutes? Id like to let em soak for a half hour."
"You were always nice like that," she said, trying to relax. She paused, then looked past him toward the house. "You did a wonderful job restoring it. It looks perfect, just like I knew it would someday."
"Actually, I dont do anything but work on the house right now. It satisfies my creative urges."
It was a long moment before she answered. "Im engaged."
"Why did you come?"
She shook her head. "No, hes a lawyer. He has his own practice downtown."
Now, sitting beside her, he wondered if shed ever dreamed the same things he had in the years theyd been apart. Had she ever dreamed of them holding each other again and kissing in soft moonlight? Or did she go further and dream of their naked bodies, which had been kept separate for far too long ...
"It was my daddys chair," he said, not looking up, and she nodded. She saw bats in the sky, and frogs had joined the crickets in their evening harmony.
"Tea sounds good."
But more than that, he admired the way shed always spoken her mind. He remembered that after theyd gone out a few times, hed said to her what he said to all women he dated - that he wasnt ready for a steady relationship. Unlike the others, though, Allie had simply nodded and said, "Fine." But on her way out the door, shed turned and said: "But your problem isnt me, or your job, or your freedom, or whatever else you think it is. Your problem is that youre alone. Your father made the Hammond name famous, and youve probably been compared to him all your life. Youve never been your own person. A life like that makes you empty inside, and youre looking for someone who will magically fill that void. But no one can do that but you."
"A lot of memories there, Allie."
She turned away before he could attempt a kiss. She didnt know if he would try but knew for some reason that if he did, she would have a hard time stopping him. She couldnt handle that right now, with everything going through her head. She slid behind the wheel, breathing a sigh of relief. He shut the door for her, and she started the engine. As the car idled, she rolled down the window just a bit.
She paused. He didnt respond, and in the silence she looked toward the creek. She went on: "But yes, Noah, I think we would have. At least, Id like to think we would have."
"Why?"
Their eyes met for a second, and Allie knew as she turned that he continued to watch her as she left the room. Inside she felt that little twitch again.
He was right. Shed had a reason." Its a long story."
For something had happened during dinner. Quite simply, he had fallen in love again. He knew that now as they sat next to one another. Fallen in love with a new Allie, not just her memory. But then, he had never really stopped, and this, he realized, was his destiny.
It took a moment for her to answer. "I dont know, Noah. I really dont, and you dont either. Were not the same people we were then. Weve changed, weve grown. Both of us."
"Thanks, thats nice of you. It was quite a project, though. I dont know if I would do it again."
"No," he answered, shaking his head.
"Of course," he answered, "why wouldnt I?"
"Im sorry," she said softly, knowing how much he had meant to Noah.
"Whyd you work so hard?"
He knew there was more. Allie looked away before continuing. "Ive been drawing and painting since I was a child. I guess that once I got a little older, I began to think I was good at it. I enjoyed it, too. I remember working on this painting that summer, adding to it every day, changing it as our relationship changed. I dont even remember how it started or what I wanted it to be, but somehow it evolved into this. I remember being unable to stop painting after I went home that summer. I think it was my way of avoiding the pain I was going through. Anyway, I ended up majoring in art in college because it was something I had to do; I remember spending hours in the studio all by myself and enjoying every minute. I loved the freedom I felt when I created, the way it made me feel inside to make something beautiful. Just before I graduated, my professor, who happened to also be the critic for the paper, told me I had a lot of talent. He told me I should try my luck as an artist. But I didnt listen to him."
He gathered the grocery bags and put them away, then walked to a small room off the kitchen before returning with a box of tea. He pulled out a couple of teabags and set them by the stove, then filled the teapot. After putting it on the burner, he lit a match, and she heard the sound of flames as they came to life.
Her eyes brimmed with tears as they finally released each other. She laughed nervously under her breath while wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes.
"My professor did," she finally said, "but I guess I didnt believe him."
She answered automatically. "Yes, I love him."
"Hows it going?" he asked, seeing she was almost finished.
Afterward Allie tried to remember the last time she and Lon had talked this way. Although he listened well and they seldom argued, he was not the type of man to talk like this. Like her father, he wasnt comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings. Shed tried to explain that she needed to be closer to him, but it had never seemed to make a difference.
Only a select few in the city had that kind of stature, and his earnings reflected that. But the more important part of his success came from hard work. He had always paid attention to details, especially when hed begun his practice. Little things, obscure things, and it had become a habit now. Whether it was a matter of law or presentation, he was diligent in his study, and it had won him a few cases early in his career when he should have lost.
But at that moment she still wasnt completely aware of it, and she turned to face him. She reached over and touched his hand, hesitantly, gently, amazed that after all these years hed somehow known exactly what shed needed to hear. When their eyes locked, she once again realized how special he was.
The demon of choice confronted her then, teased her, challenged her. Why couldnt she say it? She didnt know. But as she looked in his eyes to find the answer she needed, she saw the man shed once fallen in love with, and suddenly it all came clear. "Id like that."
She smiled weakly and shrugged as she answered. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I guess I still look for the kind of love we had that summer."
He summoned his courage. "Will I see you tomorrow?"
He answered over his shoulder. "Sure. How about cutting up some vegetables for the fryer. Theres plenty in the icebox, and you can find a bowl over there."
"Yes," he answered, volunteering no more.
"Allie, do you love him?"
He nodded, not surprised. The Hammonds were one of the most powerful and influential families in the state. Cotton money. Unlike that of his own father, the death of Lon Hammond Sr. had made the front page of the newspaper.
"Youll see," he answered. "I know just the place to go."
As she walked, she looked around and realized she had forgotten how fresh and beautiful everything seemed here. Over her shoulder, she saw the house in the distance. He had left a couple of lights on, and it seemed to be the only house around. At least the only one with electricity. Out here, outside the town limits, nothing was certain. Thousands of country homes still lacked the luxury of indoor lighting.
He motioned to the cabinet near the sink, and she took another sip of tea before setting her cup on the counter and retrieving the bowl. She carried it to the icebox and found some okra, zucchini, onions, and carrots on the bottom shelf. Noah joined her in front of the open door, and she moved to make room for him. She could smell him as he stood next to her - clean, familiar, distinctive - and felt his arm brush against her as he leaned over and reached inside. He removed a beer and a bottle of hot sauce, then returned to the stove.
And now, a little detail bothered him. Not about the case. No, that was fine. It was something else. Something about Allie. But damn, he couldnt put his finger on it. He was fine when shed left this morning. At least he thought he was. But sometime after her call, maybe an hour or so, something clicked in his mind. The little detail.
"Where is it?"
"So what have you been up to? Why are you here?"
"I saw the story on the house in the Raleigh paper a couple of weeks ago, and I had to come see you again."
Noah raised his eyebrows. "Does he know youre here?"
"I got home a little late that evening, and my parents were furious when I finally came in. I can still picture my daddy standing in the living room smoking a cigarette, my mother on the sofa staring straight ahead. I swear, they looked as if a family member had died. That was the first time my parents knew I was serious about you, and my mother had a long talk with me later that night. She said to me, Im sure you think that I dont understand what youre going through, but I do. Its just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are, as opposed to what we want. I remember being really hurt when she said that."
Think... think... Damn, what was it? His mind clicked. Something... something.., something said? Something had been said? Yes, that was it. He knew it. But what was it? Had Allie said anything on the phone? That had been when it started, and he ran through the conversation again. No, nothing out of the ordinary.
"Me too. I almost didnt, though."
"Yes, it has," she said, "a wonderful night."
"Why not? I think we both could use one."
"Talk to me," she finally said, her voice sensual. Or was his mind playing tricks?
"Its unbelievable, Noah. How long did the restoration take?"
She hesitated, not expecting the question. Bringing up Lons name brought slight feelings of guilt to the surface, and for a moment she didnt know how to answer.
"Since last December. I worked up north for a while, then spent the last three years in Europe."
Allie put it on and smelled the fragrance that lingered in the shirt - his smell, distinctive, natural.
"What is it?"
"I just couldnt bear to see it turned into kitchen cabinets."
"I know. He told me about it."
"Me too," he said.
"I know."
"You didnt have to come here to tell me you were engaged. You could have written me instead, or even called."
"Do you think youll ever paint again?"
Ghosts, he wanted to say, but didnt. "I dont know. Just wanted to finish, I guess. Do you want anything to drink before I start dinner?”
"You mean to tell me no one has ever told you that before?"
She stopped there, gathering her thoughts. "My parents didnt think it was proper for someone like me to paint for a living. I just stopped after a while. I havent touched a brush in years."
They started toward the river and turned on a path near the bank. She let go of his hand, surprising him, and walked on with just enough distance between them so that they couldnt accidentally touch.
"Do you know, youre the only poet Ive ever met."
She felt the blood in her face. Just like fourteen years ago.
Noah opened the beer and poured it in the water, then added the hot sauce and some other seasoning as well. After stirring the water to make sure the powders were dissolved, he went to the back door to get the crabs.
He stared for a second, wondering if he believed her. Then he nodded and the two began to walk again. After a moment he said: "Im not making this easy for you, am I?"
Her voice was distant when she answered, or at least he thought it was. Noah wondered if it was just his mind playing tricks on him.
"Fin died in the war. His destroyer was torpedoed in forty-three."
"Youre still a poet, Noah Taylor Calhoun." Her voice softened. "I still think about it a lot. It was the first time anyone ever read poetry to me before. In fact, its the only time."
She smiled a little. "Its okay. I really cant blame you."
She always loved evenings like this, evenings where the faint aroma of autumn leaves rode on the backs of soft southern winds. She loved the trees and the sounds they made. Listening to them helped her relax even more. After a moment, she turned toward Noah and looked at him almost as a stranger might.
But there was something else that made her want to wait, and it had to do with Lon himself. He was driven in his work, and it always commanded most of his attention. Work came first, and for him there was no time for poems and wasted evenings and rocking on porches. She knew this was why he was successful, and part of her respected him for that. But she also sensed it wasnt enough. She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.
"I know," he said, nodding, his tone neutral. She didnt get up right away. Instead she picked up the cup and drank the last swallow of tea, feeling it warm her throat.
He laughed. "Then youre in for an adventure. Hold on a second." He disappeared upstairs for a moment, then returned with a navy blue button-down shirt. He held it open for her.
"From a neighbor," he said as he put the pail in the sink. He started the faucet and began to rinse the crabs, holding them under the water, then letting them scurry around the sink while he rinsed the next one. Allie picked up her cup and came over to watch him.
"A good bug, though," he said. "Here, let me show you how its done."
"Why not?"
But sitting here now, she realized what shed been missing.
Noah smiled softly at her answer but said nothing.
She got up and followed him through the door to the living room. He stopped in front of the fireplace and pointed to the painting that hung above the mantel. She gasped, surprised she hadnt noticed it earlier, more surprised it was here at all. "You kept it?"
"Congratulations," he finally said, wondering how convincing he sounded. "Whens the big day?"
"No, but its a special place."
Noah turned to the stars, their twinkling lights reminding him that she would be leaving soon, and he felt almost empty inside. This was a night he wanted never to end. How should he tell her? What could he say that would make her stay?
"Homemade?"
She smiled slightly and nodded. "Id like that."
"It wasnt that they didnt like you. They didnt think you deserved me."
When she was finally ready, she took a deep breath and smiled.
In the four years theyd dated, shed become everything he ever wanted, and he knew he should spend more time with her. But practicing law made limiting his hours impossible. Shed always understood, but still, he cursed himself for not making the time. Once he was married, hed shorten his hours, he promised himself. Hed have his secretary check his schedule to make sure he wasnt overextending himself ...
She hesitated. "I dont know . . . ," she said, trailing off, and the way she said it made him believe her. The gravel crunched beneath their feet as they walked in silence for a few steps. Then he asked:
"Actually, I havent had any guests stay over yet. Since my daddy passed on, I dont really know who to invite."
She put down the tea, then ran her hands through her hair, closing her eyes as she did so.
Allie had followed him into the kitchen and cleared her throat. "Can I get the table ready?"
"Hows your daddy doing?" she asked. Noah took a couple of steps before answering.
The air was suddenly rattled by the sharp cry of a raccoon, and Clem came out from under the porch, barking gruffly. Both of them turned at the commotion, and Allie was glad for the distraction.
She looked to him with questions in her eyes. "The war?"
She rested her head against the back of the rocker, closing her eyes, growing just a bit warmer by the time hed finished. It wasnt just the poems or his voice that did it. It was all of it, the whole greater than the sum of the parts. She didnt try to break it down, didnt want to, because it wasnt meant to be listened to that way. Poetry, she thought, wasnt written to be analyzed; it was meant to inspire without reason, to touch without understanding.
"I dont know. Not long. Maybe until tomorrow or the next day."
"You men always stick together," she said as she reached across the table, poking his arm with her finger. She went on. "So, tell me everything youve been up to since I saw you last."
"How long have you been back here?" she asked as the path gave way to a small grass hill.
"Thats fine. Im not that hungry yet."
The sky grew darker and the moon rose higher as the evening wore on. And without either of them being conscious of it, they began to regain the intimacy, the bond of familiarity, they had once shared.
"I liked him, too. He made me laugh."
"You wrote?”
"I can see why," she said as she looked around. "So, what is it you do these days?"
He nodded and she went on. "I thought you might be there. Im glad you made it out okay."
The words had stayed with him that night and rung true the following morning. Hed called again, asked for a second chance, and after some persistence, shed reluctantly agreed.
"I should go," she finally said, handing the quilt back to him.
"How can you... I mean..."
A simple question. She knew what the answer should be, especially if she wanted to keep her life simple. "I dont think we should," was all she had to say, and it would end right here and now. But for a second she didnt say anything.
He shook his head. "To be honest, Im still glad you came. Despite everything. Its good to see you again."
"Shy, maybe, or afraid. I dont know. It just didnt seem like the right thing to do at the time."
"Youll love it," he said.
Her answer came almost too quickly. "Im making the right decision, Noah."
But God, those eyes. Those soft, dark eyes. She turned away and took a deep breath, wondering how to say it, and when she finally started, her voice was quiet. "Noah, before you get the wrong idea, I did want to see you again, but theres more to it than just that." She paused for a second. "I came here for a reason. Theres something I have to tell you."
Lon hung up the phone.
"Come to think of it, you were kind of shy, werent you?"
Allie, too, was wondering about the moment and feeling warm as she thought of it. The words hed spoken replayed in her head as she found everything she needed for the table: plates, place settings, salt and pepper. Noah handed her the bread as she was finishing the table, and their fingers touched briefly.
Allie had those traits, he knew, and as they walked now, he sensed them once again lingering beneath the surface. "A living poem" had always been the words that came to mind when he tried to describe her to others.
She shook her head, and Noah went to the kitchen and put the crabs in the steamer and the bread in the oven. He found some flour and cornstarch for the vegetables, coated them, and put some grease into the frying pan. After turning the heat on low, he set a timer and pulled another beer from the icebox before heading back to the porch. And while he was doing those things, he thought about Allie and the love that was missing from both their lives.
"Talk like you did to me under the oak tree."
He nodded. "It is. I had larger windows put in on this side of the house for just that reason. Even in the bedrooms upstairs."
Allie watched him walk away and noticed the tension shed felt when telling him about her engagement was beginning to fade. Closing her eyes, she ran her hands through her hair and let the light breeze fan her cheek. She took a deep breath and held it for a moment, feeling the muscles in her shoulders further relax as she exhaled. Finally, opening her eyes, she stared at the beauty that surrounded her.
"Good. How about dinner? I know a place that serves the best crab in town."
He sat in the rocker again, this time alone, trying once again to fathom the evening that had just passed. Thinking about it. Replaying it. Seeing it again. Hearing it again. Running it by in slow motion. He didnt feel like playing his guitar now, didnt feel like reading. Didnt know what he felt.
"Thank you, Noah."
He paused for a moment before going back inside and stared at Allie, watching her cut the carrots. As he did that, he wondered again why she had come, especially now that she was engaged. None of this seemed to make much sense to him.
He nodded, looked down, then turned away. "Whats Lon like?"
"It was wrong of her to do that, Noah, and Im sorry she did. But try to understand. Once I left, she probably thought it would be easier for me to just let it go. She never understood how much you meant to me, and to be honest, I dont even know if she ever loved my father the way I loved you. In her mind, she was just trying to protect my feelings, and she probably thought the best way to do that was to hide the letters you sent."
"Like we used to?"
"It looks like a bug."
"Ive got all night," he answered.
She looked away and didnt answer for a moment, surprised that she couldnt tell him just yet. In the silence, Noah felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. Whatever it was was bad.
"Thats not fair," she said, sorry shed brought up the subject.
"With his name, he must be busy."
She started walking toward him then, listening to the crickets chirp, and remembered a lesson from childhood. She counted the number of chirps in a minute and added twenty-nine. Sixty-seven degrees, she thought as she smiled to herself. She didnt know if it was accurate, but it felt about right.
He pointed to her car. "Did you leave anything in there that you need to get out?"
She laughed under her breath. "You always told me youd find a way to do it."
She didnt ask why, because she wanted to keep it, too. She readjusted it and crossed her arms afterward to ward off the chill. For some reason, as she stood there she was reminded of standing on her front porch after a high school dance, waiting for a kiss.
"Do you mind if I look around?"
She caught herself fighting for control. She hadnt expected this to happen, didnt want it to happen. She was engaged now. She hadnt come here for this.., yet... Yet... Yet the feeling went on despite herself, and for a brief moment she felt fifteen again. Felt as she hadnt in years, as if all her dreams could still come true.
"As serious as Ive ever been."
"Come on, lets go. The mosquitoes are getting vicious, and Im starved."
Noah nodded, feeling the tightness in his stomach. "Actually its a she. Clementines her name. But yeah, shes all mine."
Noah was a little surprised by her answer. It was one thing to come and visit, but it was an entirely different matter to hide the truth from her fiancé.
Even though shed asked, she had suspected there wouldnt be anyone else, and inside she didnt know how to feel about that. But it did make what she wanted to say a little harder. It would have been easier if there was someone else.
He was standing by the counter, a couple of cabinet doors open wide, empty grocery bags on the floor, whistling quietly. He smiled at her before putting a few more cans into one of the cabinets. She stopped a few feet from him and leaned against the counter, one leg over the other. She shook her head, amazed at how much he had done.
By his tone, she knew he was just making conversation. Yet for some reason it made her feel.., lonely. He seemed to realize how she was feeling, but before she could dwell on it, he changed the subject.
And he did, reciting distant passages, toasting the night. Whitman and Thomas, because he loved the images. Tennyson and Browning, because their themes felt so familiar.
She stepped on the dock and it creaked under her foot. The sound reminded her of a rusty squeeze-box, and Noah glanced up and winked, then went back to checking the crabs, making sure they were the right size. She walked to the rocker that sat on the dock and touched it, running her hand along the back. She could picture him sitting in it, fishing, thinking, reading. It was old and weather-beaten, rough feeling.
"Will I like it?"
"New Berns small, but it does teach you how to do the things that matter."
Noah used the bread knife as a pointer. "Sure, plates are over there. Utensils and napkins there. Make sure you get plenty - crabs can be messy, so well need em."
"He is. He works a lot."
He nodded, and she went on:
He demonstrated quickly, making it look easy, removing the meat and putting it on her plate.
"Here, put this on. I dont want you to stain your dress."
The vegetables and crabs were ready about the same time. "Be careful, theyre hot," he said as he handed them to her, and they sat across from each other at the small wooden table. Then, realizing the tea was still on the counter, Allie stood and brought it over. After putting some vegetables and bread on their plates, Noah added a crab, and Allie sat for a moment, staring at it.
"A little. I should really be going in a couple of minutes."
He turned his head in the same direction as hers while he wondered about the small talk and what she was holding back.
Noah shrugged. "The usual for him. That he had to fight you off with a stick. That you chased him constantly, that sort of thing."
"What do you have?"
"Its so peaceful here," she said, her voice dreamlike.
"Lon?"
"No. Just grab em like this," he said, demonstrating, and she smiled.
"Good enough," he said as he reached the back porch and started up the steps. He set the bucket by the door, then led the way inside, heading toward the kitchen.
"Why wouldnt you think so?" She seemed genuinely surprised.
"Youre not crazy," he said gently. He reached for her hand, and she let him hold it as they stood next to one another. He went on: "Even though I dont know why, I can see this is hard for you. Why dont we go for a walk?"
They both watched as Clem shook her head, stretched, then wandered toward the sounds. Allies eyes widened just a bit when she saw her limp away.
He laughed under his breath. "No. I always thought I would when I was young, and I started that way. But it was just too much. It would have taken years, and so I ended up hiring some people.., actually a lot of people. But even with them, it was still a lot of work, and most of the time I didnt stop until past midnight."
"He was always good at that."
"Cmon," he said, reaching for her hand, "I want to show you something."
"Lon Hammond Jr. My fiancé."
She shook her head again and answered slowly. "No. I told him I was looking for antiques. He wouldnt understand my coming here."
She leaned against the counter, standing close to him, and emptied her cup. When the crabs were ready he put them in the pot on the stove. He washed his hands, turning to speak to her as he did so.
They rocked for a while, drinking tea, sitting quietly, drifting in their thoughts.
They stayed like that for a long time before she finally pulled back to look at him.
She slowly shook her head before lowering her eyes. "I didnt know... ," she finally said, quietly, and he knew it must have been her mother, checking the mail, removing the letters without her knowledge. It was what he had always suspected, and he watched as Allie came to the same realization.
He looked up from the last bag he was unpacking. "Almost a year."
It was on the immediate right, large and smelling of new wood. The cabinets had been done in oak, as was the floor, and the windows were large and faced east, allowing the light from morning sun. It was a tasteful restoration, not overdone as was common when homes like this were rebuilt.
"Im going to go start the water. Can I get you anything?"
He didnt know. And thus the decision was made to say nothing. And he realized then that he had failed.
Felt as though shed finally come home. Without another word they came together, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and he put his arms around her, drawing her close. They held each other tightly, making it real, both of them letting the fourteen years of separation dissolve in the deepening twilight.
She thought about their conversation at dinner and wondered about loneliness. For some reason she couldnt picture him reading poetry to someone else or even sharing his dreams with another woman. He didnt seem the type. Either that, or she didnt want to believe it.
"Are you tired?" he asked, finally breaking free from his thoughts.
"I have some homemade bread that I was planning on."
Detail. Something insignificant? Something important?
"Hello, Noah. Its good to see you again." Her comment startled him, and he looked at her with amazement in his eyes. Then, after shaking his head slightly, he slowly began to smile.
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"Is your fiancé here on business?"
He turned his attention back to the frying pan and turned the vegetables. He lifted the lid of the steamer, saw the crabs still had a minute, and let them cook some more. He was more composed now and returned to small talk, easy conversation. "Have you ever had crab before?"
Noah was surprised. He hadnt expected her to answer this way. He wanted to touch her then, to take her in his arms, but he didnt. "Can you be here about noon?"
He looked down when she said it, suddenly feeling just a bit weaker. So that was it. Thats what she needed to tell him.
He knew she was where she had said she would be because he had spoken to the manager earlier. Yes, she had checked in and he had last seen her around six. Going to dinner, he thought. No, he hadnt seen her since.
The rockers moved in quiet rhythm. Bats again, over the river. Moths kissing the porch light. Somewhere, he knew, there were people making love.
"Three weeks from Saturday. Lon wanted a November wedding."
"Ive thought about you ever since that summer, she said.
She surprised herself with her answer but knew it was true nonetheless. And she also knew by looking at him that Noah had suspected the answer in advance.
"All the time. I still do."
"If youre happy, Allie, and you love him, I wont try to stop you from going back to him. But if theres a part of you that isnt sure, then dont do it. This isnt the kind of thing you go into halfway."
"Itll be just a minute," he said. "This stove heats up pretty quick."
"Im not sure if I can anymore. Its been a long time."
"Of course you would," she said. She knew exactly how he felt about this place. But then, she knew how he felt about everything - or at least she had a long time ago.
Her comment made both of them drift back and remember as they slowly circled back to the house, following a new path that passed near the dock.
He nodded. "Yeah. I never stopped. I guess its in my blood."
She stared at the painting.
"How do you feel about it now?"
"Excuse me?"
He had called at seven, then at eight-thirty, and now he checked his watch again. Nine forty-five. Where was she?
"Its a surprise."
She shook her head. "No, hes still in Raleigh."
Noah smiled broadly. "Im glad you did." He stepped back just a bit. "God, you look fantastic. Youre even prettier now than you were then."
He looked at her. She was pretty still, with thick hair and soft eyes, and she moved so gracefully that it almost seemed as though she were gliding. Hed seen beautiful women before, though, women who caught his eye, but to his mind they usually lacked the traits he found most desirable. Traits like intelligence, confidence, strength of spirit, passion, traits that inspired others to greatness, traits he aspired to himself.
"What is it, Allie?" He turned to her, compelling her to look, but she continued to stare at the house.
"I did, too," she answered.
"Im sure your guests enjoy that. Unless of course they want to sleep late."
"You told me about it the next day. It hurt my feelings, too. I liked your parents, and I had no idea they didnt like me."
They started to talk then, making up for lost time. Noah talked about leaving New Bern, about working in the shipyard and at the scrap yard in New Jersey. He spoke fondly of Morris Goldman and touched on the war a little, avoiding most of the details, and told her about his father and how much he missed him. Allie talked about going to college, painting, and her hours spent volunteering at the hospital. She talked about her family and friends and the charities she was involved with. Neither of them brought up anybody they had dated since theyd last seen each other. Even Lon was ignored, and though both of them noticed the omission, neither mentioned it.
She thought about it, thought about staying or leaving, and decided that since he knew about her engagement, it would probably be all right. Or at least not wrong.
There was a sadness in his voice when he responded, and she knew he was right to feel that way. She looked toward the stars while she ran her hand through her hair, pulling back the strands that had fallen onto her face.
"I know. But for some reason, I had to do it in person."
"Im being rather silly, arent I?" she asked, trying to smile.
Clem wandered up to him and he squatted down to pet her, paying special attention to her neck, scratching the spot she couldnt reach anymore. After he looked up the road one last time, they returned to the back porch side by side.
"Of course I kept it. Its wonderful."
The sky had turned black, and Noah started toward the house, Allie right beside him.
Thoughts of the summer theyd shared came back to her, and as she stared at him, she noticed how little hed changed since shed last seen him. He looked good, she thought. With his shirt tucked loosely into old faded jeans, she could see the same broad shoulders she remembered, tapering down to narrow hips and a flat stomach. He was tan, too, as if hed worked outside all summer, and though his hair was a little thinner and lighter than she remembered, he looked the same as he had when shed known him last.
"Arent you afraid theyll pinch you when you grab them?"
"I dont know "
He wiped his hands, andtogether they went to the back porch. Noah flipped on the light as they went outside, and he sat in the older rocker, offering the newer one to her. When he saw her cup was empty, he went inside for a moment and emerged with another cup of tea and a beer for himself. He held out the cup and she took it, sipping again before she set it on the table beside the chairs.
His voice changed, a little deeper now. "He was. I think of him a lot these days. I especially remember the last time I saw him. Id come home to say good-bye before I enlisted, and we ran into each other again. He was a banker here, like his daddy was, and he and I spent a lot of time together over the next week. Sometimes I think I talked him into joining. I dont think he would have, except that I was going to."
He smiled. "My old boss from up north. His name was Morris Goldman. He offered me a part of the business just as I enlisted and died before I got home. When I got back to the States, his lawyers gave me a check big enough to buy this place and fix it up."
Allie crushed the legs too hard the first time and the time after that, and had to use her fingers to get the shells away from the meat. She felt clumsy at first, worrying that he saw every mistake, but then she realized her own insecurity. He didnt care about things like that. He never had.
Lon shook his head and leaned back in his chair. He was the last one in the office, as usual, and everything was quiet. But that was normal with an ongoing trial, even if the trial was going well. Law was his passion, and the late hours alone gave him the opportunity to catch up on his work without interruption.
"Im no poet. I read, but I cant write a verse. Ive tried."
"Sure. What do you want to do?"
"No, its not," she finally whispered to herself as she looked to the evening sky. "Theres nothing normal about any of this."
She laughed under her breath, feeling strangely pleased about that. "Do you still read poetry?”
"I forget youve done this your whole life."
"You too?" He stammered. He brought his hand to his chin, and she noticed he hadnt shaved. "Its really you, isnt it? I cant believe it."
"Are you glad to be back home?"
He looked to the stars and remembered the thousands of empty nights he had spent since theyd last seen each other. Seeing her again brought all those feelings to the surface, and he found it impossible to press them back down. He knew then he wanted to make love to her again and to have her love in return. It was what he needed most in the world.
He answered as he made himself comfortable. "Yeah. I sit out here every night. Its a habit now."
He wondered if that was all but didnt question further. Instead he changed the subject.
The compulsion that had driven her here was gone now - she was glad for this - but she worried about the feelings that had taken its place, the stirrings that had begun to sift and swirl in her pores like gold dust in river pans. Shed tried to deny them, hide from them, but now she realized that she didnt want them to stop. It had been years since shed felt this way.
He nodded. "Yeah, I remember. Fin and Sarah were with us. Fin kept elbowing me the whole way back to your parents house, trying to get me to hold your hand."
She smiled and took a sip, then motioned toward the window. "Ill bet the kitchen is beautiful when the morning light shines in."
"This whole thing. Showing up out of the blue, not knowing what I want to say. You must think Im crazy."
She laughed. "I know. It just reminds me of our first real date. You gave me your jacket that night, remember?"
"Sometimes," he said. "Usually when Im working out this way. It sits on my property now."
She walked to the other side of the dock, feeling a sense of closure. A compulsion had driven her here, and for the first time in three weeks the feeling was gone.
"He passed on 去世 earlier this year, right after I got back."
She laughed quietly. "Did you believe him?"
She stepped back, trying to compose herself, wiping away the last of her tears.
"Morris Goldman."
"How about the porch again?" he asked, handing her the cup, and she agreed, leading the way. He grabbed a quilt for her in case she got cold, and soon they had taken their places again, the quilt over her legs, rockers moving. Noah watched her from the corner of his eye. God, shes beautiful, he thought. And inside, he ached.
They finished dinner, both pleased with the meal, neither talking much now. Noah looked at his watch and saw that it was getting late. The stars were out in full, the crickets a little quieter. He had enjoyed talking to Allie and wondered if hed talked too much, wondered what shed thought about his life, hoping it would somehow make a difference, if it could.
She gave him a skeptical look, and he explained. "It makes me feel alive when I look at it. Sometimes I have to get up and touch it. Its just so real - the shapes, the shadows, the colors. I even dream about it sometimes. Its incredible, Allie - I can stare at it for hours."
"Are you okay?" he asked, a thousand other questions on his face.
She shook her head. "Not anymore."
Allie knew by his silence that he was thinking about her and found that she reveled in it. She didnt know what his thoughts were exactly, didnt care really, just knew they were about her and that was enough.
"Youre serious," she said, shocked.
"Is he yours?" she asked.
"My house. Ive had the traps out all week, and I saw that I had some good ones caged a couple days ago. Do you mind?"
He smiled and pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Great. Theyre at the dock. Ill just be a couple of minutes."
"See you tomorrow," she said, her eyes reflecting the moonlight.
"I know that. I always did. Maybe thats why my mother and I always seem to have a distance between us when we talk."
"Do you think it would be possible to start over (began again)?”
"What should I say?"
"I prefer the words quiet confidence," he answered with a wink, and she smiled.
"By the way, Ive been meaning to ask, do you still paint?"
"Its been quite a night," he said, his voice softer now.
The timer went off in the kitchen, a small ding, and Noah turned away, breaking the moment, strangely affected by what had just happened between them. Her eyes had spoken to him and whispered something he longed to hear, yet he couldnt stop the voice inside his head, her voice, that had told him of her love for another man. He silently cursed the timer as he walked to the kitchen and removed the bread from the oven. He almost burned his fingers, dropped the loaf on the counter, and saw that the frying pan was ready. He added the vegetables and heard them begin to crackle. Then, muttering to himself, he got some butter out of the icebox, spread some on the bread, and melted a bit more for the crabs.
But that was it, he was sure now.
"How about you?" she asked. "Did you ever think about us?"
Noah came out at that moment and she smiled at him, glad hed come back so she didnt have to think about it anymore. "Its going to take a few minutes," he said as he sat back down.
She toured the house for the next few minutes, walking through the rooms, noticing how wonderful it looked. By the time shed finished, it was hard to remember how run-down it had been. She came down the stairs, turned toward the kitchen, and saw his profile. For a second he looked like a young man of seventeen again, and it made her pause a split second before going on. Damn, she thought, get a hold of yourself. Remember that youre engaged now.
And with that thought, she realized how much had changed since then. They were strangers now; she could tell by looking at him. Could tell that fourteen years apart was a long time. Too long.
She looked at Noah next. The scar on his face was visible from the side. She wondered if it had happened during the war, then wondered if hed ever been wounded at all. He hadnt mentioned it and she hadnt asked, mostly because she didnt want to imagine him being hurt.
What had she said? Her trip was good, she had checked in, had done some shopping. Left her number. Thats about all.
She heard the shock in his voice as he spoke, and surprising her, it all came together - being here, seeing him. She felt something twitch inside, something deep and old, something that made her dizzy for just a second.
"Theres not much difference."
Shed somehow needed Noah to know about her engagement, to understand, to accept it - she was sure of that now - and while thinking of him, she was reminded of something theyd shared from the summer they were together. With head down, she paced around slowly, looking for it until she found it - the carving.
And for just a fleeting moment, a tiny wisp of time that hung in the air like fireflies in summer skies, she wondered if she was in love with him again.
"You didnt, though."
Noah got up and refilled the teapot. They both brought the dishes to the sink and cleaned up the table, and he poured two more cups of hot water, adding teabags to both.
Noah loves Allie,
Noah nodded, then stood without a word. He carried the quilt, and the two of them walked to her car while fallen leaves crunched beneath their feet. She started to take off the shirt hed loaned her as he opened the door, but he stopped her.
She didnt answer right away, as if she were considering the question for the first time. Then: "Yes. Hes a good man, Noah. You would like him."
The words were spoken with such sincerity that she knew he wasnt saying it just to be nice. He truly believed in her ability, and for some reason that meant more to her than she expected. But something else happened then, something even more powerful.
He looked at her then, and she saw the softness in his eyes. "Im glad you came, Allie," he said.
As the sun dropped a little lower and the sky turned orange, he asked: "So, how long are you staying?"
They both sat quietly for a moment, thinking back again. Allie took another sip of tea. "Do you remember sneaking over here the night you first told me about this place?"
"Im sorry anyway."
She took the evening in. Moon higher now, wind in the trees, temperature dropping.
He thought about her then. He loved her, he was sure of that. Not only was she beautiful and charming, but shed become his source of stability and best friend as well. After a hard day at work, she was the first person he would call. She would listen to him, laugh at the right moments, and had a sixth sense about what he needed to hear.
"Im sorry," she said. "I know he was a good friend of yours."
God, he looked good. Even after all this time. She watched him as he reached for a rope that hung in the water. He began to pull it, and despite the darkening sky, she saw the muscles in his arm flex as he lifted the cage from the water. He let it hang over the river for a moment and shook it, letting most of the water escape. After setting the trap on the dock, he opened it and began to remove the crabs one by one, placing them into a bucket.
And sometime after midnight on that clear October evening, it all rushed inward and Noah was overcome with longing. And if anyone had seen him, they would have seen what looked like an old man, someone whod aged a lifetime in just a couple of hours. Someone bent over in his rocker with his face in his hands and tears in his eyes. He didnt know how to stop them.
"I know. I come down here a lot now just to be close to the water. It makes me feel good."
"Of course. I always wondered what you were up to."
His questions brought her back to the present, making her realize what could happen if she wasnt careful. Dont let this get out of hand, she told herself; the longer it goes on, the harder its going to be. And she didnt want it to get any harder.
"So, whatever happened to Fin?" she asked. It took a second for him to answer.
Why it happened, she never knew, but this was when the chasm began to close for Allie, the chasm she had erected in her life to separate the pain from the pleasure. And she suspected then, maybe not consciously, that there was more to this than even she cared to admit.
A dog barked in the distance, and Noah realized he had been standing with the door open a long time. He quickly closed it, turning back to the kitchen. And as he walked, he wondered if she had noticed how long hed been gone.
"Ive heard of them. His father built quite a business. Did Lon take over for him?"
He knew he would win the case because he mastered the law and charmed the jury. He always did, and losses were infrequent now. Part of it came from being able to select the cases he had the expertise to win. He had reached that level in his practice.
Noah waved as she backed the car out. She turned it around, then drove up the lane, heading toward town. He watched the car until the lights vanished behind far-off oak trees and the engine noise was gone.
"Did you really think I was talented?" she asked quietly.
"I dont know how to say it. I thought I did at first, but now Im not so sure ..."
Up close, she could see the changes she hadnt noticed at first. He was a man now, and his face had lost the softness of youth. The faint lines around his eyes had deepened, and there was a scar on his chin that hadnt been there before. There was a new edge to him; he seemed less innocent, more cautious, and yet the way he was holding her made her realize how much shed missed him since shed seen him last.
She looked at him curiously.
She smiled. "I know. I saw it when I came in. Do you remember the day we spent there?"
Noah, too, was sifting through his thoughts. To him, the evening would be remembered as one of the most special times he had ever had. As he rocked, he remembered it all in detail, then remembered it again. Everything she had done seemed somehow electric to him, charged.
"Thank you. You look great, too." And he did, no doubt about it. The years had treated him well.
"Youre right. I just miss him, is all."
She reached for her cup, took another sip of tea, and listened as a woodpecker tapped in the distance. She spoke quietly. "Lons handsome, charming, and successful, and most of my friends are insanely jealous. They think hes perfect, and in a lot of ways he is. Hes kind to me, he makes me laugh, and I know he loves me in his own way." She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts. "But theres always going to be something missing in our relationship."
"That wasnt her decision to make," he said quietly.
"Did you do it yourself?"
Neither one of them moved as they faced each other.
"Shes engaged," he finally whispered, and then was silent for hours, his rocker making the only noise. The night was quiet now, with little activity except for Clem, who visited him occasionally, checking on him as if to ask "Are you all right?"
He was stunned. "Why not? You have so much talent."
"What happened to her leg?" she asked, stalling for time.
"Can I give you a hand with something?"
"You never answered my letters."
"Dont be. Theres no reason to be sorry. Im the one who should be apologizing. Maybe I should have written."
"I would, too, if I were you."
Allie, too, was thinking. About Noah, about herself, about a lot of things. For a moment she wished she werent engaged but then quickly cursed herself. It wasnt Noah she loved; she loved what they once had been. Besides, it was normal to feel this way. Her first real love, the only man shed ever been with - how could she expect to forget him? Yet was it normal for her insides to twitch whenever he came near? Was it normal to confess things she could never tell anyone else? Was it normal to come here three weeks from her wedding day?
Lon could not evoke these feelings in her. He never had and probably never would. Maybe that was why she had never been to bed with him. He had tried before, many times, using everything from flowers to guilt, and she had always used the excuse that she wanted to wait until marriage. He took it well, usually, and she sometimes wondered how hurt he would be if he ever found out about Noah.
"Have I ever been there before?"
"Would it have made a difference even if youd got them?"
"Im going to get the crabs in to marinate (steep or soak (meat or fish) in a spicy sauce) for a few minutes before I steam em," he said, putting his cup on the counter. He went to the cupboard and removed a large pot with a steamer and lid. He brought the pot to the sink, added water, then carried it to the stove.
She wondered how much time he spent here alone, and she wondered about his thoughts at times like those.
"Why?"
"He did? What did he say?"
"No, that sounds fine."
"I had a great time tonight," he said. "Thank you for finding me."
"You have?"
But then, Allie had always been surprising. He smiled to himself, remembering back to the way she had been. Fiery, spontaneous, passionate - as he imagined most artists to be. And she was definitely that. Artistic talent like hers was a gift. He remembered seeing some paintings in the museums in New York and thinking that her work was just as good as what he had seen there.
"You were the best friend I ever had, Allie. Id still like to be friends, even if you are engaged, and even if it is just for a couple of days. How about we just kind of get to know each other again?"
The words hurt. But again, he thought he heard something in her tone, as if she were saying it to convince herself. He stopped and gently took her shoulders in his hands, making her face him. The fading sunlight reflected in her eyes as he spoke.
"No," he answered, shaking his head.
He shook his head. "No, theres no one to tell. Its just me and Clem."
Because of him, shed gone to a few poetry readings offered by the English department while in college. Shed sat and listened to different people, different poems, but had stopped soon after, discouraged that no one inspired her or seemed as inspired as true lovers of poetry should be.
I was compelled, she wanted to say, but didnt. "Just to see you, to find out what youve been up to. To see how you are."
"The same as I did back then. That its wrong, that it isnt fair. It was a terrible thing for a girl to learn. That status is more important than feelings.
"Do you ever think about it?"
"Hit by a car a few months back. Doc Harrison, the vet, called me to see if I wanted her because her owner didnt anymore. After I saw what had happened, I guess I just couldnt let her be put down (Slang); kill or destroy (animals)."
But he also realized it could never be. Now that she was engaged.
"Good. Im almost done here. Anything else for dinner?"
"Sure you do. You stopped for a reason."
He hadnt said anything, his muscles seemed frozen, and for a second she thought he didnt recognize her. Suddenly she felt guilty about showing up this way, without warning, and this made it harder. She had thought it would be easier somehow, that she would know what to say. But she didnt. Everything that came into her head seemed inappropriate, somehow lacking.
"Yeah. My roots are here. This is where Im supposed to be." He paused. "But what about you?" He asked the question softly, suspecting the worst.
"Dont worry," he said, seeing her expression, "its clean."
She didnt say anything.
"Sounds great. Where?"
"You bought it?"
"No, I mean with us. Do you think we would have made it?"
He couldnt look at her as he spoke. He didnt want to realize hed been mistaken about what had just happened between them. He didnt want it to be a mistake.
In the silence her mind wandered, and she felt a little light-headed as she walked along the path. She wondered what he was thinking about her being here and wasnt exactly sure if she knew herself. When they reached the house a couple of minutes later, Clem greeted them with a wet nose in the wrong place. Noah motioned her away, and she left with her tail between her legs.
"You were sitting out here when I came, werent you?"
She had given him a painting before shed left that summer. It hung above the fireplace in the living room. Shed called it a picture of her dreams, and to him it had seemed extremely sensual. When he looked at it, and he often did late in the evening, he could see desire in the colors and the lines, and if he focused carefully, he could imagine what she had been thinking with every stroke.
"Its okay," he said, smiling, "I still cant believe its you. How did you find me?"
"Not much, really. Beer, tea, coffee."
"Im sorry, I didnt mean to cry ... "
"No, I got in earlier and unpacked already." Her voice sounded different to her, as if the years had suddenly been undone.
in a heart. Carved into the dock a few days before shed left.
She looked at him slyly. "He had a crush on me, you know."
"Keep it," he said. "I want you to have it."
"No, go ahead. I did some shopping earlier, and I still have to put the groceries away."
He thought he heard something in her tone, and the next question came automatically. "Does he treat you well?"
"What do you mean?"
When the teapot whistled, he poured two cups and handed one to her.
Phone calls
Both of them seemed to think about that, trying but finding it impossible to displace from their minds. Noah finished his beer, surprised that he had emptied it so quickly.
"You can still do it, Allie. I know you can. You have a talent that comes from inside you, from your heart, not from your fingers. What you have cant ever go away. Its what other people only dream about. Youre an artist, Allie."
"Thats fine."
He nodded, and the two walked in silence for a moment. They reached the top of the hill and stopped. The oak tree was in the distance, with the sun glowing orange behind it. Allie could feel his eyes on her as she stared in that direction.
She hesitated and looked to his front door. "Do you need to tell anyone?"
A breeze broke the stillness and chilled her, making her cross her arms. She stood that way, alternately looking down at the carving and then toward the river, until she heard him reach her side. She could feel his closeness, his warmth, as she spoke.
