We have.
Im too young! the Dead Father said.
The thing is done, said the notary, where is the brandy?
Thomas offered the Dead Father a document bound in blue paper.
Oh I have some idea, said the Dead Father. He produced a small black pocket notebook.
I believe his name is Wilfred, Thomas said.
My sword is gone, said the Dead Father, but I have a spare sword, back in the city. My second-best sword. Jeweled hilt and all that.
More or less yes, said the Dead Father.
No, said the Dead Father, I dont like it better.
Have you in his presence and in the presence of each other, affixed your signatures?
They are all separate and distinct figures with no total listed, said the Dead Father. The sum would appear to be quite large, could one add it.
Edmund, said the Dead Father.
Dash my wig! said the Dead Father, Ill not do it. Im too young.
Paragraph 4, said Thomas, perhaps you will like Paragraph 5 better. "I hereby reserve unto myself the power and right --"
I always liked him, said Emma.
Let us table the question, for the time being, said Thomas. Is there more?
The notary said: Do you identify this document as your Last Will and Testament, do you wish it to be so regarded, and have you signed it of your own free will?
Of course its entirely up to you, he said. If you wish to leave your affairs in rotten mishmashy cluttersome disarray. . .
Totaling what? asked Thomas.
Read on.
He paused.
Your steward has been let go, said Thomas.
A field of flowers outside Darmstadt. Wrinkleflowers. My greenhouses and potting sheds. Wilfred will know. Portrait busts of myself by Houdon, Minque, Planck, and Bowdoin. My napkin rings. Four thousand volumes of cabalistic literature. Cycladic figures to the number of one hundred eighteen. My gouges: The straight gouge, short bent gouge, long bent gouge, V gouge, U gouge, 5/32" gouge, 3/8" gouge. Four skew chisels. My box at the opera. My Bennie Moten records. My Thonet rocking chair. The regiment.
Then who is looking after things?
It was a will.
I dont want to make a will, said the Dead Father.
Edmund?
"This Trust is created upon the express understanding that the issuer, custodian, or transfer agent of any shares held hereunder shall be under no liability whatsoever to see to its proper administration. . ."
The witnesses will please raise their right hands. Do each of you individually declare under oath that the Dead Father has identified this document as his Last Will and Testament and stated that he wished it to be so regarded?
Well was it yes or was it not yes?
Yes, Thomas said. Shall I read it?
Has he signed it in your presence and did he at that time appear to be of sound mind and legal age and free of undue influence?
The notary looked at Thomas.
What is it?
Read it, Thomas said.
Yes, said the witnesses, he has and did.
"... shall be distributable at any time under the terms of said shares, the said issuer, custodian, or transfer agent is fully authorized to pay, deliver, and distribute the same to whosoever shall then be the trustee hereunder, and shall be under no liability to see to the proper application thereof."
Who shall I leave it to? the Dead Father asked. Who is worthy?
The regiment, for example, said the Dead Father.
You need not bother with the details, Thomas said, you are fully protected, I assure you. The thing to do is sign it.
A mind of his own, Thomas said, that much is clear.
What was that? asked the notary.
Youre taking this down?
The notary said: And have you requested that these persons witness your signature and make an affidavit concerning your execution of this Will?
It was thought best, Thomas said.
". . . and that upon the transfer of the right, title, interest in and to such shares by any trustee hereunder, said issuer, custodian, or transfer agent shall conclusively treat the transferee as the sole owner of such shares. In the event that any shares, cash or other property -- "
Yes, said the Dead Father, thats what I dont like, being reminded.
Yes, said the Dead Father. Sort of.
Im too young. And who will beneficiate?
Tidy, said the Dead Father, what a way of putting it.
Rage of the Dead Father.
To whom will you leave the regiment?
This should make you feel good, the notary said to the Dead Father. A prudent step. Prudent, prudent.
He is the last, said the Dead Father, and the last shall be first.
Your sword is gone, Thomas noted.
No one wants to make a will, said Thomas. Still it is a prudent step that we thought you ought to take, in your wisdom.
A nut-brown maid, he read. Regina. The stereo. A pair of chatterpies. My ravens. A parcel of rental properties. Eleven rogue elephants. One albino. My cellar. Twelve thousand bottles more or less. Lithographs to be swallowed for sickness. Two hundred examples. My print collection, nine thousand items. My sword.
By the Holy Goat, the Dead Father said, I will not.
Thats the way it begins?
It was yes, I guess.
I have made upmy mind, said the Dead Father.
"During my lifetime --"
Best we could manage, said Thomas. You have no idea at all as to the size of your holdings?
Parcel the news out bit by bit, said the Dead Father. Begin with the napkin rings.
Edmund?
What would I do with the regiment? Thomas asked.
But Wilfred is not Luke, the Dead Father said.
I should say, no one. Perhaps the nation. The first step is the inventory. Can you give me some idea of what the estate consists of?
Never having met the lady, Thomas said, I would say not. Also I am a witness and a witness cannot be a beneficiary. I do not wish to profit from this transaction in any way. I only wish to have everything tidy.
Lifetimes and deathtimes, said Thomas, are what wills are about.
Prudent is shit!
Yes, said the Dead Father, I like that better.
Thats rather vague, Thomas said.
Prudence and wisdom being two of your strongest suits, Thomas said.
Thomas poured brandy for all hands.
Thomas assembling the witnesses for the ceremony.
Good deal of handwashing there, said the Dead Father. What paragraph is that?
We thought it best that you take the precaution, Thomas said. Many people are inadequately prepared.
Do you want it?
The Dead Father cleared his throat.
No, it begins with a "Whereas." Im reading you the part that doesnt sound right.
I have, said the Dead Father.
He turned a page.
He has, said Thomas, Julie, and Emma.
Will the witnesses respond to the question?
Was he ever of sound mind? Julie wondered aloud. As you and I would define it? Strictly speaking?
Various lands in Saxony, he read aloud.
Of course you are, said Thomas, so are we all. Yet there is a vein in you that may pop at any time. I have identified it. Runs up the right leg and who knows, who knows where it wanders after it leaves the leg. Lurking potential embolisms menace it. I dont want to frighten you, but you get the picture.
Um, said the Dead Father unperturbed, so it is. Let me continue. Certificates of deposit totaling --
Thomas looked up into the sky.
Thomas waved his hands in the air suggesting exhausted patience and disinterested pursuit of what-is-right.
Read it.
Parade it. Have regimental dinners. Fold and unfold the colors. Defend frontiers. Push into the Punjab.
I shall place the regiment in trust for itself, said the Dead Father. That should take care of it. Have you the form?
Julie will be a witness and Emma will be a witness and one of the men is, I have learned, a notary.
I heard "yes," said Thomas.
Luke? Luke gone? On whose authority?
My wisdom, said the Dead Father. Infinite. Unmatched. Still, I dont want to make a will.
As you wish, said Thomas, we shall have to tell him about it very slowly, otherwise it will kill him.
It is a will, the Dead Father said, whose?
I care not a whit, said Thomas, pick someone. Or something.
Much, much, more, said the Dead Father, but let us lump it together under "incidentals." Do you want Regina?
Thomas nodded.
Vast, said the Dead Father. I have no idea. Consult my steward.
