"Do you miss that? Not growing up with him around?"
"We dont do anything bad there. I mean, we dont knock over the tombstones or leave our trash around," I said. I didnt want to tell her about our conversations about Henry Preston because I knew that wasnt the sort of thing Jamie would want to hear about. Last week Eric had wondered aloud how fast a guy like that could lie in bed and . . . well . . . you know.
I ran through my lines without even thinking about them, and Miss Garber didnt say the word marvelous all night long. She had this concerned look in her eyes afterward, but Jamie simply smiled and told her not to worry, that everything was going to be all right. I knew Jamie was just trying to make things better for me, but when she asked me to walk her home, I told her no. The Playhouse was in the middle of town, and to walk her home, Id have to walk a good distance out of my way. Besides, I didnt want to be seen again doing it. But Miss Garber had overheard Jamies request and she said, very firmly, that Id be glad to do it. "You two can talk about the play," she said. "Maybe you can work out the kinks." By kinks, of course, she meant me specifically.
"Because Id worry that I might do something wrong."
I thought about the miscarriages. Jamie went on.
I assumed she was talking about boys. It wasnt until later that I learned how wrong I was.
"I dont know," she said. "It might."
"Dont be. You didnt mean anything by it." She paused. "My mother and father were given this Bible for their wedding, but my mom was the one who claimed it first. She read it all the time, especially whenever she was going through a hard time in her life."
"Is it true you and your friends sometimes go to the graveyard at night?"
"Why do you always carry it with you?" I asked.
"I doubt if Ill ever get to know him."
"I didnt mean it that way," I said quickly. "I just meant that Id heard about how excited you were to be going there next year."
"Well, lookee who we have here," Eric said as he leaned over the steering wheel so that I could see his face. I hadnt told him Id been walking Jamie home, and in the curious way that teenage minds work, this new development took priority over anything that I was feeling about Jamies story.
So once more I ended up walking Jamie home, but she could tell I wasnt really in the mood to talk because I walked a little bit in front of her, my hands in my pockets, without even really turning back to see whether she was following. It went this way for the first few minutes, and I hadnt said a word to her.
"How would I get to know him?" I asked.
"Walking her home, Landon?" I could see the little devil behind Erics smile.
"Hegbert?" I blurted out. I couldnt even imagine it.
"Thank you for walking me home, Landon," she said, and she glanced up at me for a moment before finally starting up the walk.
"Oh. . . ." I said it like Id stepped on someones pet turtle, squashing it under my shoe.
"I dont think Im going to go," she said matter-of-factly. Her answer caught me off guard. Jamie had some of the highest grades in our senior class, and depending on how the last semester went, she might even end up valedictorian. We had a running pool going as to how many times she would mention the Lords plan in her speech, by the way. My bet was fourteen, being that she only had five minutes.
"It just gives me a way to . . . to be a part of her. Can you understand that?" She wasnt saying it sadly, just more to let me know the answer to my question. Somehow that made it worse.
A cup of cider? At her house? She hadnt mentioned that. . . .
I hated when she said things like that. With her, you just knew shetalked to the Lord every day, and you never knew what the "Big Guy upstairs" had told her. She might even have a direct ticket into heaven, if you know what I mean, being as how good a person she was.
Once theyd pulled out of sight, Jamie turned to me and smiled.
"Ill bet youre excited about going off to college next year," I said, changing the subject.
"Not really," I said.
She looked at me. "Its okay, Landon. How could you have known?"
"It was my mothers," she said simply.
"And the only reason Im doing this is because of your father, who doesnt even like me. This whole thing is dumb, and I wish I had never agreed to do it."
"Yeah," I said, shrugging. "Sometimes."
"What about Mount Sermon? I thought thats where you were planning to go. Youd love a place like that," I offered.
"It is, sometimes. Dont get me wrong-I love my father with all my heart-but there are times when I wonder what it would have been like to have a mother around. I think she and I would have been able to talk about things in a way that my father and I cant."
"Youre not in a very good mood, are you?" she finally asked. "You didnt even try tonight."
"Maybe if you told me what was wrong-"
"S-s-sorry," hed say. "D-d-did . . . th-th-that hurt?"
"So, what do you do?" I asked. "Besides working with the orphans or helping critters or reading the Bible, I mean?" It sounded ridiculous, even to me, I admit, but thats what she did.
It took her a moment to answer.
Those curveballs she sometimes threw could smack you right between the eyeballs.
"You dont miss a thing, do you?" I said sarcastically without looking at her.
"Maybe I can help," she offered. She said it kind of happily, which made me even a little angrier.
I didnt let her finish.
Eric got the car rolling again, but slowly. Jamie probably thought he was a safe driver. He really wasnt, though he was good at getting out of trouble when hed crashed into something. I remember one time when hed told his mother that a cow had jumped out in front of the car and thats why the grille and fender were damaged. "It happened so fast, Mom, the cow came out of nowhere. It just darted out in front of me, and I couldnt stop in time." Now, everyone knows cows dont exactly dart anywhere, but his mother believed him. She used to be a head cheerleader, too, by the way.
"No," she said, and I could tell by the way she answered that even to her, it was obvious that no one wanted her around much.
See what happens when youre a nice guy?
"Youre just saying this because youre nervous about the play-"
"Sure I do." Notice the careful way I phrased my answer.
After dropping Jamie off-no, I didnt stay for any cider-I started back to my house, grumbling the whole time. By then Jamies story had left me completely, and I could practically hear my friends laughing about me, all the way from Cecils Diner.
"I miss my mom, too," she said, "even though I never even knew her."
She looked up at me as we walked, then faced forward again. She tugged gently at her hair again. I was beginning to notice that she did this whenever she was nervous or wasnt sure what to say.
But Jamies house was on the way to mine, and I couldnt say no without hurting her feelings. It wasnt that I liked her or anything, dont get the wrong idea, but when youve had to spend a few hours a day with someone, and youre going to continue doing that for at least another week, you dont want to do anything that might make the next day miserable for either of you.
The next night we talked about her Bible.
"Thank you for walking me home, Landon," she called out.
"She loved to read it at night, before she went to sleep, and she had it with her in the hospital when I was born. When my father found out that she had died, he carried the Bible and me out of the hospital at the same time."
"Sometimes."
After she told me the story, I thought of her growing up with Hegbert again, and I didnt really know what to say. As I was thinking about my answer, though, I heard a car blare its horn from behind us, and both Jamie and I stopped and turned around at the same time as we heard it pulling over to the side.
I cut her off with a shake of my head.
It was the first time Id ever raised my voice to her. To tell you the truth, it felt kind of good. It had been building up for a long time. Jamie was too surprised to respond, and I went on.
Even though she was a teenager and had been for four years, Jamie didnt know the first thing about teenagers, and trying to understand teenage boys for her was like trying to decipher the theory of relativity.
"Oh, we wont be out too late," he promised, "but we should probably be going. Enjoy your cider, you two."
"What do you do there, besides eat peanuts?"
"Hey, Eric," I said, wishing hed never seen me.
The play was going to be performed that Friday and Saturday, and lots of people were already talking about it. Miss Garber had been so impressed by Jamie and me that she kept telling everyone it was going to be the best play the school had ever done. She had a real flair for promotion, too, we found out. We had one radio station in town, and they interviewed her over the air, not once, but twice. "Its going to be marvelous," she pronounced, "absolutely marvelous." Shed also called the newspaper, and theyd agreed to write an article about it, primarily because of the Jamie- Hegbert connection, even though everyone in town already knew about it. But Miss Garber was relentless, and just that day shed told us the Playhouse was going to bring in extra seats to accommodate the extra-large crowd expected. The class sort of oohed and aahed, like it was a big deal or something, but then I guess it was to some of them. Remember, we had guys like Eddiein class. He probably thought that this would be the only time in his life when someone might be interested in him. The sad thing was, he was probably right. You might think Id be getting excited about it, too, but I really wasnt. My friends were still teasing me at school, and I hadnt had an afternoon off in what seemed like forever. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was doing the "right thing." I know its not much, but frankly, it was all I had. Occasionally I even felt sort of good about it, too, though I never admitted it to anyone. I could practically imagine the angels in heaven, standing around and staring wistfully down at me with little tears filling the corners of their eyes, talking about how wonderful I was for all my sacrifices.
Eric looked around, too, with this wistful look in his eyes before taking a deep breath. I could tell he was faking it. "Boy, it really is nice out there." He sighed and glanced toward us as he shrugged. "Id offer you a ride, but it wouldnt be half as nice as actually walking under the stars, and I wouldnt want you two to miss it." He said this like he was doing us both a favor.
Once I got on a roll, it was sometimes hard for me to stop. I could take her optimism and cheerfulness only so long, and today wasnt the day to push me too far.
She smiled at me. I think she was surprised by my question, and even more surprised at my interest in her.
The next night, as I was walking her home, she asked me about my father.
Or rather, I think, I hated myself.
She shrugged without really answering me, and to be honest, I didnt know what to make of it. By then wed reached the front of her house, and we stopped on the sidewalk out front. From where I was standing, I could make out Hegberts shadow in the living room through the curtains. The lamp was on, and he was sitting on the sofa by the window. His head was bowed, like he was reading something. I assumed it was the Bible.
So I was walking her home that first night, thinking about this stuff, when Jamie asked me a question.
That night, the rehearsal was at the Playhouse. It was the last one before the show opened, and we had a lot to do. Right after school, the boys in drama class had to load all the props in the classroom into the rented truck to take them to the Playhouse. The only problem was that Eddie and I were the only two boys, and hes not exactly the most coordinated individual in history. Wed be walking through a doorway, carrying one of the heavier items, and his Hooville body would work against him. At every critical moment when I really needed his help to balance the load, hed stumble over some dust or an insect on the floor, and the weight of the prop would come crashing down on my fingers, pinching them against the doorjamb in the most painful way possible.
Id stifle the curses rising in my throat and bite out, "Just dont do it again."
"Does it ever scare you?"
She walked a few steps before answering.
Part of me was surprised that she was even interested. Though it wasnt exactly a secret, it didnt seem like the sort of thing shed care about at all.
As I watched her go, I couldnt help but think that of all the times Id ever talked to her, this was the strangest conversation wed ever had. Despite the oddness of some of her answers, she seemed practically normal.
"I doubt it," I snapped.
"I dont know," I said. "Talk . . . joke around. Its just a place we like to go."
By early December, just over two weeks into rehearsals, the sky was winter dark before Miss Garber would let us leave, and Jamie asked me if I wouldnt mind walking her home. I dont know why she wanted me to. Beaufort wasnt exactly a hotbed of criminal activity back then. The only murder Id ever heard about had occurred six years earlier when a guy was stabbed outside of Maurices Tavern, which was a hangout for people like Lew, by the way. For an hour or so it caused quite a stir, and phone lines buzzed all over town while nervous women wondered about the possibility of a crazed lunatic wandering the streets, preying on innocent victims. Doors were locked, guns were loaded, men sat by the front windows, looking for anyone out of the ordinary who might be creeping down the street. But the whole thing was over before the night was through when the guy walked into the police station to give himself up, explaining that it was a bar fight that got out of hand. Evidently the victim had welshed on a bet. The guy was charged with second-degree murder and got six years in the state penitentiary. The policemen in our town had the most boring jobs in the world, but they still liked to strut around with a swagger or sit in coffee shops while they talked about the "big crime," as if theyd cracked the case of the Lindbergh baby.
I guess she knew about that, too.
Jamie looked around and smiled. "Yes, it is."
"Oh, no . . . thats all right. We were just heading off to Cecils Diner."
"On a school night?" she asked innocently.
Now, I assumed she carried the Bible around simply because she was the ministers daughter. It wasnt that big of an assumption, given how Hegbert felt about Scripture and all. But the Bible she carried was old and the cover was kind of ratty looking, and I figured that shed be the kind of person who would buy a new one every year or so just to help out the Bible publishing industry or to show her renewed dedication to the Lord or something.
She nodded a little. "I think thats what Id do if I were there, if I ever go, I mean. Id just look around to really see the place, or sit quietly and listen."
"Hello, Eric. Hello, Margaret," Jamie said cheerfully.
"Im sorry," I said again. Whenever someone tells you something sad, its the only thing you can think to say, even if youve already said it before.
This whole conversation struck me as strange, but I didnt press it, and we walked in silence for a few moments. And since shed asked a little about me, I sort of felt obliged to ask her about herself. I mean, she hadnt brought up the Lords plan or anything, so it was the least I could do.
"I see," was all she said. I waited for her to raise her voice at me, to defend herself, to make her case again, but she didnt. All she did was look toward the ground. I think part of her wanted to cry, but she didnt, and I finally stalked away, leaving her standing by herself. A moment later, though, I heard her start moving, too. She was about five yards behind me the rest of the way to her house, and she didnt try to talk to me again until she started up the walkway. I was already moving down the sidewalk when I heard her voice.
"Dont you get it?" I said, exasperated. "Im not nervous about the play, I just dont want to be here. I dont want to walk you home, I dont want my friends to keep talking about me, and I dont want to spend time with you. You keep acting like were friends, but were not. Were not anything. I just want the whole thing to be over so I can go back to my normal life."
I winced as soon as she said it. Even when I was mean to her face and said the most spiteful things, she could find some reason to thank me. She was just that kind of girl, and I think I actually hated her for it.
By the next morning everyone at school knew I was walking Jamie home, and this started up a new round of speculation about the two of us. This time it was even worse than before. It was so bad that I had to spend my lunch break in the library just to get away from it all.
I put my hands in my pocket, wondering if this could get any worse.
"Why?"
Eric and Margaret were in the car, Eric on the drivers side, Margaret on the side closest to us.
"It must be hard for you," I said sincerely. "Even though my fathers a stranger to me, at least hes still around."
"I do a lot of things. I study for my classes, I spend time with my dad. We play gin rummy now and then. Things like that."
"Do you ever just go off with friends and goof around?"
"Whats it like, living with your father? Is he like how he is in church?"
"Look," I said, stopping, turning to face her. "Ive just spent all day hauling crap, I havent eaten since lunch, and now I have to trek a mile out of my way to make sure you get home, when we both know you dont even need me to do it."
I think she was shocked to hear me call him by his first name, but she let me off the hook and didnt respond to my comment. Instead she said, "Dont look so surprised. Youll like him, once you get to know him."
But he couldnt stop himself from stumbling around any more than he could stop the rain from falling. By the time wed finished loading and unloading everything, my fingers looked like Tobys, the roving handyman. And the worst thing was, I didnt even get a chance to eat before rehearsal started. Moving the props had taken three hours, and we didnt finish setting them up until a few minutes before everyone else arrived to begin. With everything else that had happened that day, suffice it to say I was in a pretty bad mood.
"Oh, were almost to my house anyway," Jamie said. "I was going to offer Landon a cup of cider. Would you like to meet us there? We have plenty."
"Do you ever just sit around and listen to the sounds?" she asked. "Like the crickets chirping, or the rustling of leaves when the wind blows? Or do you ever just lie on your backs and stare at the stars?"
"Im sorry I asked. . . ."
"You never know, Landon," she said, smiling, "what the Lords plan is."
"No," I answered. "Why? Would it scare you?"
She looked hurt by my outburst, and to be honest, I couldnt blame her.
"You have nice friends, Landon."
"Its a beautiful night for strolling, isnt it?" Eric said. I think that because Margaret was between him and Jamie, he felt a little bolder than he usually was in Jamies presence. And there was no way he could let this opportunity pass without sticking it to me.
It was the first time Id ever considered that Jamie and I might have something in common. I let that sink in for a while.
She didnt answer, but she smiled to herself, as if she knew some secret that she was keeping from me. Like I said, I hated it when she did that.
"No. Hes actually got a pretty good sense of humor."
"Hes all right, I reckon," I said. "But hes not around much."
"Thanks for stopping to say hello," Jamie said, waving.
She looked at me with a twinkle in her eye. "You mean Id fit right in there, dont you?"
