I turned over, and lay on my back. "Is there really a new little child inside me?" I wondered. "If there is, hell be mine; hell be part of myself. But he will understand me? Did I understand my mother? I was often angry with her, and I often told her lies. Will my son tell me lies? Will he be angry with me? If so, do I really want him? "
I shouted at her: "No, I dont! And it isnt true--- I know it isnt! " then I ran up to my bedroom and threw myself on to the bed.
Of course it was true. But I didnt want to accept the fact. "All women have children," I said to myself. "But a mother has a difficult job. She must bring her children up properly. She must teach then the difference between right and wrong; and Im not always sure about that myself."
And he did come home. He was with me when my baby arrived on July 4. He gave me courage. And after the birth the said to me:
He doesnt like Josephs ideas, either. He told him this evening, in my room:
This time there a longer silence.
Worry? Of course I worry. Poor little Oscar, youve come into a terrible world. And next week youll lose your home. Your Papa has to live near his work. He has bought a new home in the center of Paris.
"Yes," he said. "Ive been the Minister since yesterday. I couldnt tell you before. Youve been to busy with Oscar."
Then the doctor said: "Everyone must leave the room. The War ministers wife needs rest."
"Barras called me back to Paris because the republic is in danger. Its enemies are French. They come from two sides. On one side there were the Royalists; they want a king again. On the other side there are the Jacobines(A political party); they are Robespierres old friends, the friends of the guillotine. Most French people want neither Royalists nor Jacobines."
Marie knocked on the door and came in. "Ive warmed the soup for you again, " she said. Then she sat on the edge of my bed, and added: "When youve drunk it, you must write to the general. Tell him the happy news."
"Yes," said Joseph. "France needs a strong man in charge of the government. A general would be best. With the armys help you could be a dictator tomorrow, Bernadotte."
Joseph said: "My brother? Yes. Id like to talk to you about him. He wants to return to France. Hes unhappy in Egypt. He has nothing to do----"
Oscar! The name was Napoleons idea. He wrote to Joseph from Egypt: "If Desiree has a son, his name must be Oscar. It isnt a French name. But Ive been reading some ancient songs about a great king. He lived in the far north, and Oscar was his name."
On New Years Day I was feeling ill. Maier brought me some chicken soup in the middle of the morning. "Try that," she said. "You wont feel strong unless you eat well. And you must be strong now."
"Of course I could," Jean replied angrily. "But I dont want to be a dictator. Im a true republican. Monsieur Bonaparte. You forget that the people chose our members of parliament. They can change our government, if they wish. But the army cannot do so. Nor can its generals. Not even your brother."
"why must I?" I asked. "Im usually very well. In fact Im getting too fat. I cant get into my yellow silk dress. And Im tired of soup."
When Joseph had gone, I asked Jean: "would you really have Napoleon shot?"
"Desiree, we have a wonderful son. His eyes are dark blue, and his hair is as silk. But hes very small."
Joseph looked uncomfortable. "He says that he cant come back without the War Ministers permission. What would happen if he did come without that permission?"
I looked up at Jean. "are you the War Minister?" I asked.
Jean saw the letter and said: "Oscar Bernadotte? Yes. I like the sound of that. If it pleases your old friend Napoleon, our son shall be Oscar."
I shook my head. "I cant write that, Marie. But if he came home, I could say it to him."
When Julie showed me the baby, I couldnt see his eyes. They were shut. His face was red. And he didnt look pleased. "Perhaps he didnt want to be born, I thought.
He laughed. "dont worry," he answered. "I was only telling Joseph the law. Now its late, and you must go to sleep. Good night, my darling Desiree! Good night, little Oscar!"
I was surprised, because Jean doesnt usually like Napoleons ideas.
Marie took the plate away. At the door she turned. "You must eat, and you know the reason very well," she said with a smile.
"Perhaps I shall have a little boy, with soft dark hair. Hell be a soldier like his father; they take boys of fifteen into the army. Then hell be killed in battle. And ifhe isnt killed, hell kill other peoples boys. "
There was a moment of silence. Then Jean said quickly: "A soldier who leaves his place of duty without permission is usually shot. Thats the law--- even for generals."
"Thats enough!" jean interrupted. "why dont you give me his true reasons? Be honest and say: My brother wants to come back to France so that he can be a dictator."
"They always are at first," I told him. And we both smiled.
